


renaissance

by NoHappyEnding, theflyjar



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Infidelity, M/M, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Mpreg, References to Depression, Shapeshifting, Unhealthy Relationships, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-10-30 16:52:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17832446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyjar/pseuds/theflyjar
Summary: Yixing feels reborn, as if finally getting his renaissance.





	renaissance

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 13  
>  **Prompt:** What good is an omega who can’t provide an heir for his mate? What makes it worse is how Yixing is mated to the pack leader.  
>  **Prompter:** Anonymous  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Kris/Lay  
>  **Side character(s) (if any):** Sehun/Jongin/Chanyeol  
>  **Word count:** 30.3K  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional tag(s):** infidelity, unhealthy/abusive relationships, signs of depression, minor character death, mpreg and miscarriage, heavily implied child abuse (nothing overly explicit)  
>  **Author's note:** Chang’e, in Chinese culture, isn’t quite the type of goddess I have written for her to be, but I felt she was fitting for the fic.

_i._

 

Spritely and curious were the words bestowed upon Yixing during his childhood by his grandmother. She looked upon the young wolf with fondness, petting his fur when he’d scamper around as a pup and ruffle his hair when he’d toddle as a human. Yixing’s parents despaired at their son’s stubborn and wilful character, barely being able to contain him. They say it’s not how an omega should act. They should be contemplative and withdrawn, concealing almost everything inside to remain docile - at least, that’s what his pack elders tried to teach him.

But, Yixing did not keep to that. Instead, he was rambunctious and cheeky, acting out in both cuteness and ferocity. Especially to Huaijun, the only other pup around Yixing’s age in their pack but still with seven summers between their ages. Huaijun was the alpha apparent, the next alpha in line to take charge of the pack once he’d come of age. There were whispers that Yixing should be Huaijun’s omega, to keep Yixing within the pack, given how little he fit into the role of the omega.

That was when Yixing had been nine, his future already being mapped in front of him and discussed by the people around him. He was a child and his future mate, the way his life was to be lived, was already the subject of countless pack meetings.

Nineteen days prior to Yixing’s tenth birthday, Yixing was awoken long before sunrise by his mother. She collected Yixing’s things up and he was given two firm kisses to his forehead as he was brought out of their den. As an adult, he hardly remembers anything else from that day. In his head, there is nothing other than tears, the scent of omega wolves unfamiliar to him, and travelling until nightfall. And travelling for day upon day afterwards.

The following weeks became all Yixing knows of the second decade of his life.

 

_ii._

 

Chanyeol and Sehun are laid out in the moonlight, Sehun in his wolf form and Chanyeol resting on the younger’s stomach as they watch glowing insects fly around and above their heads. Yixing moves to join them, nestling into Chanyeol’s side to huff out against his neck. It’s their free hour before they’re made to go to bed and Yixing’s waiting for their pack mother to call them back towards the pack dens.

The sun has set and Yixing stares upwards to the sky, watching the stars rather than the fireflies. The three of them are quiet, with even the sounds of their breaths covered by a gentle breeze that rustles through the trees.

None of them speak for most of the hour, not that Yixing speaks much at all, as this pack talk in a tongue those in Yixing’s home pack never used. They don’t utter words between them, even when Sehun shifts back into his human skin and sprawls across Yixing’s lap. He’s three years younger than Yixing, only eleven, and he’s been in this pack for much longer than Yixing.

Sehun motions to speak, opening and closing his mouth as if he’s searching for words he cannot find or use fully. Yixing observes him as he sees him settle on something else to say.

“Do you guys remember your homes?”

Chanyeol answers immediately, voice cracking as he speaks, “No.”

They were both taken away from their homes and brought to this omega pack before they could truly know of their families. This pack was all they knew, all they had been raised in, but Yixing had spent almost a decade with his family, making a home for himself there.

“Fragments,” Yixing whispers, which gains the interest of the two younger wolves. They’re forbidden from talking about home when around their den mothers and elders. Their whispers are covered by the wind, though, drifting their voices in the opposite direction to those who could possibly hear them.

“What can you remember?”

“My family - my mother, my father, and grandparents,” he shrugs. “I can remember Huaijun, too.”

Chanyeol turns onto his side, asking, “What’s a ‘Huaijun’?”

Yixing giggles to himself, touching Chanyeol’s cheek endearingly, “He is the one I am promised to… He’s the alpha I’m here for, so I can be the best omega for him because he’s the next pack leader.”

“You already have your future mate?” Sehun gasps with an incredulous lilt to his voice. “Isn’t that wrong, to plan the mates of children?”

“I don’t know… We’re the only alpha and omega children in our pack and the elders thought it was a sign from the spirits. He is seven summers older, but the pack says that’s good, my body will be ripe for childbirth when I return at eighteen summers, and we shall be mated the moment I am home.”

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” Sehun pouts, “Now there’s no chance of you staying with us.”

“I thought…” Yixing hesitates, lowering his voice as the sounds of someone walking their way echoes out from the thicket, “I thought everyone knew I’d be going back to my pack when I’ve matured.”

“But you never said you had someone waiting for you! That’s a pretty big deal, if you ask me, to have your future so sure and certain before you. I’m terrified of not finding a mate, of not being good enough for anyone…”

Yixing turns his head on the ground, little stones moving under his head, as he looks over to Sehun and glancing between him and the treeline of the clearing.

“Me too,” Chanyeol murmurs, lower lip trembling. “I have been following everything I have been told my pack collects for mating bonds, just in case I have a mate.”

“What do you collect for them? At home we collect seashells, but apparently my cousin’s pack keeps their milk teeth to gift to their mate, as a sign of fertility.” Sehun’s lips turn up, sighing happily at the idea of having a mate. “My mother told me to collect my milk teeth, too, because if I cannot find a mate in my pack, they will send me there.”

“Milk teeth, that’s creepy… We collect the first flower we see each spring, after the snow has melted.” Chanyeol sits up and stretches skywards. “What do you do where you’re from, Xing?”

“We don’t do anything like that,” Yixing shrugs. “The alpha or beta chooses a scent for you to wear during your bonding rite, and the parents pick flowers to go in our hair. Nothing from our childhood, only things that can be decided quickly.”

Sehun huffs and frowns, “You should always do something to show your lifelong devotion between you and your mate!”

“I don’t think I can get any seashells… I’ve never been to the sea. Should I start keeping the first flowers of the spring and the rest of my milk teeth, then?” Yixing queries. “Do you think he’d want that?”

Sehun nods avidly, about to say something more, but Yixing's doubtful. Suddenly, in a jolt, their den mother bursts out from the tree-line, hands on her hips.

“I thought I told the three of you to not go too far! I couldn’t even hear your heartbeats until I was two kilometres from the dens.” She doesn’t look impressed, and Yixing knows this will be taken as disobedience by the elders. He glances to his two friends and they look just as forlorn as he feels; no one hates anything more than lessons in obedience. “Come on, get up. Get you back before curfew, to not let this matter worsen.”

The three scramble up onto their feet and follow after the woman who has swiftly headed back into the direction of the dens, lecturing them by saying, “How can you expect to be of any use to your pack or mate if you don’t obey? It is your duty, as omegas, to obey and serve.”

 

_iii._

 

The punishments are dealt by the only alpha in the pack in front of the other omegas, to set an example of what happens if an omega does not keep to their duty of obedience. The three of them kneel in age order in front of the alpha, heads bowed down with their hands folded together on their laps. There’s a long speech, one Yixing’s heard countless times during his own punishments, and those of others, about how omegas should know their place and their obligations.

Yixing is told his punishment first. He gets off lightly; his food and water are rationed, and his obedience learning doubled over the next three lunar cycles. They are called lessons, as they’re intended to teach rather than punish, but Yixing knows that what they receive is truly a punishment. Chanyeol gets the same as him, but the alpha lingers on Sehun. He looms over the child, terrifying when Yixing takes a peak to see what’s taking so long.

“You have been here since your early years, Sehun. You should know better than to disobey by now.” The power in the alpha’s voice clogs up Yixing’s throat, choking him, and those words are not directly spoken to him. He chances a moment to observe how Sehun is, grinding his teeth when he sees the boy’s face screwed up in pain. “The elders and I feel that your previous punishments have clearly been too lenient for you to continually disobey us during your seven years here. For this, your lesson will be physical.”

“No, wait!” Yixing yelps, he takes the opportunity of the alpha’s shock to speak before the anger sets in. “I am the eldest, I should have been the one to know better than to disobey. Sehun, and Chanyeol, were acting under my influence as their elder. I should have done better. I am willing to bear the weight of all our punishments.”

Well aware that Yixing may have worsened the situation entirely, he does not lift his head and keeps his figure as small as he can.

He is shocked when the alpha laughs, having to force himself to not jolt in surprise.

“Yixing, I had once feared that you were a lost cause, acting far more like an alpha child than an omega. But, with this display, of taking responsibility of your packmates’ punishments as your own, you have shown part of your true omega self - to be the one in the pack who gives everything to their packmates, no matter how dire the consequences. For this, I shall grant your wish of receiving these teachings. But, for speaking out of turn, you shall receive triple what was intended.”

Sehun and Chanyeol are told to leave them, as are the other omegas, and Yixing is taken out towards the forest. He is left at an abandoned den on the outskirts of their territory with only the clothes on his back, no food or water to fill his stomach. He is told to stay there for a full lunar cycle and that the alpha will return only when that time has elapsed.

As an omega in this pack, Yixing isn’t taught to hunt in order to encourage fragility and dependence on the pack and, in the future, a mate. Yixing’s lucky that it’s only autumn. There is no sweltering sun to blister his skin, nor any cold to turn his flesh to blue. He stays in the den, sleeping as much as he can without the presence of those he loves around him and only leaves to seek out water. He picks at the carrion left by other predators and struggles to remember the kinds of berries and mushrooms his grandmother would feed him as a child. Though, being so far from home, those hazy memories don’t seem to be of much use.

He struggles through the cycle, knees shaking, and lips cracked by the time the alpha reappears. The final five days were spent under a constant torrent of rain, sinking fever into Yixing’s body and bringing the cold much faster than it should have come. Yixing struggles to keep up with the older wolf, who is in his canine form, with his own two legs. He’s far too weak to shift or move too fast, but he tries in earnest to follow the paw prints left in rain-soaked mud.

They do not return directly to the main dens, to warmth and food. Instead, they head towards a clearing full of rocky outcrops. There’s a lingering smell of blood, even through the heavy rain falling around them, meaning it’s so deeply embedded into the rock that it has become part of the landscape. It’s a permanent stain on nature. And, Yixing knows what it is, despite having never been there before. Only a few of the omegas in the pack have been there before.

“You must learn, small omega, your life does not start until you have made your mate happy. Your life is not to chase your own desires with your friends.” The alpha tells him repeatedly as the lash beats down on his back, welting him, but the words cut through the smacks of animal hide on his back and the screams from his mouth.

It is there that lashings are given, leaving stripes of red on the skin of truly disobedient wolves.

It is there that Yixing learns he cannot heal like other wolves.

It is where he passes out, trembling through pain, sickness, and fear.

 

_iv._

 

He remains there until the fifteenth summer of his life, beaten and bled into submission until he feels like a ghosted form of his childhood self. Yixing doesn’t speak at all; he doesn’t dart between the trees to play hunter and prey, nor does he do anything other than what he’s told. He, Chanyeol, and Sehun have long since grown out of their insolence of trekking away from the pack to whisper beneath the fireflies. No, instead, they remain silently in their den, pining for the sinister pride of their pack alpha. Terror quakes in all of them when a voice is raised, and they pity any new arrivals. Some are only three years of age when they are brought for their omega rehabilitation. Far too young to do anything wrong enough to suffer at the fists and tough, animal hide lashing implement the alpha yields.

Yixing cares for the young ones, clutching them to his chest whilst they bleed and weep, knowing he wished for someone to do the same with him. They cry out for mothers who have deserted them here, for neglecting fathers to protect them, for the tender, loving hands of their grandparents who are powerless. Yixing knows the choruses the young children sing all too well, they sing loudly in his own head but are muted by his lack of voice.

His core, as shaken and struck as it has been, is not rocked in his years there as much as it is when he is told of his grandmother’s fate. Her final wishes are relayed to him through an uncaring messenger, that she only wishes to see her spritely and curious grandson one time more.

The journey home is followed by a gale, one which tears the leaves from trees and frightens away prey into hiding. Starved, scarred and subdued, Yixing returns to his homeland, starved and not even a husk of what he was before.

Only, it does not feel like home at all.

His memories, blurred and faded to grey, do not account for the new underbrush and trees. They do not account for the ageing of his parents and the growth of Huaijun. They do not account for the coldness that blues what once resided in a hue of gold. No, it’s foreign and desolate.

His grandmother, weakened and fragile, looks upon him in heartbreak and sadness when Yixing flinches at his mother’s delighted exclamation.

Yixing seeks refuge where he’s always felt safest, even in his dreams when he was so far away: next to his grandmother in her den. She cannot move without aid, she can barely breathe or speak without difficulty. Yixing feels her, though. She moves his spirit and his heart, hoping to create the spark that has long been beaten from his body and soul. She cries at the sight of him, as he does with her.

No words need to be said; Yixing knows he hardly resembles the boy she loves dearly, and she is a withering petal of the bloom she once was. It’s heart-breaking, truly, for Yixing that they mourn for each other before they’ve parted ways. But it’s something he feels needs to be done. They can process the scene looking each other in the eyes, saying their drawn-out goodbyes in gazes and giving comfort in honey irises. They do that for three days, giving beauty to the darkness.

Yixing’s grandmother fades away as one night moves into dawn, death taking her as she huddles Yixing to her chest. Her very last words, spoken only for Yixing to hear:

_“I’m sorry.”_

With those whispered words, the wonder from Yixing’s world is eclipsed by grey that spirals into black.

 

_v._

 

The following days are a whirlwind. There’s mourning and celebration at the loss of one omega and the return of another. The funeral rites are performed by Yixing’s father and Yixing fears a lashing when he admits to not knowing of any rites, having been removed from the pack for so long. He’s hissed at by Huaijun’s mother, but that’s all. Though, knowing he’s failed at giving his grandmother the affectionate send-off she deserves strikes him like a fist. He needs not the lash to feel as if he’s bleeding out.

The funeral is barely over when Yixing’s ushered off to an unused den to be prepared for the first series of mating rites. It’s a surprise to Yixing that he’s not being given time to grieve. He doesn’t have a voice to ask for time with, so he lets himself be fussed over and obediently follows orders he’s given by his elders.

His skin is washed with beautifully scented oils, petals and flowers are dotted through his hair, with only his neck left untouched by the oils and flora. His mother fawns over him across the days he’s in the unused den, announcing how brilliantly he smells after being soaked day after day in scents chosen by Huaijun, for Yixing to be worthy of becoming the alpha’s mate. Yixing shifts awkwardly, though. He simply wants to feel and express the grief that’s filling him more and more, day by day. He stares off blankly for long stretches of time, mind too consumed with time lost with his grandmother, of time taken by a pack that showed him true pain.

Huaijun’s mother chastises him for lacking in excitement at the prospect of being mated to her son. She says it should be the most wonderful moment of Yixing’s life, and Yixing knows that it could be, if only he had time to grieve. He’s been looking forward to his union with Huaijun for years, it’s been one of the only constant positives in his mind since he left his home pack. But, in each vision of the future Yixing had, his grandmother would be there to guide him through life. Her physical body wouldn’t be cast under evergreen branches in their burial grounds, feeding the natural world she once occupied and acting as her fleshy sacrifice to Chang’e, to be granted favour by the moon goddess.

Mourning, it appears, is not a practice favoured by his own pack; Yixing cannot remember any death from his childhood given anything other than a single ceremony and the swift reversion to prior life. He should not be surprised that the pack elders force the mating of their alpha heir so swiftly. And yet, he is. The preparations began as soon as the funeral rite was completed and a week later, Yixing is presented, adorned in fresh flowers and a thin woven cloak, to Huaijun.

Huaijun’s wolf form looms well over Yixing’s adolescent human one, and his teeth outsize Yixing’s slender neck. The bite mark left is bloody and burns agony through Yixing’s body. To the muted surprise of his own parents, Yixing does not jolt away from the pain, or even acknowledge it. He grows lightheaded as blood seeps down his bare chest and all over the fabric around his shoulders, dousing him in red and decorating the ground beneath him.

He’s weak, still bleeding, and numb all over when he’s taken to Huaijun’s den, where he’s stripped off in front of his now-mate. Huaijun doesn’t touch Yixing, not to complete the bond nor tend to his wound. He watches Yixing instead, confused and silent.

Yixing simply wishes Huaijun would seal them together for life already, to force and forge their connection. He knows Huaijun is too tender for that, not yet matured completely within himself and not yet self-assured enough to rush things. They’re both children in different ways, Yixing realises that all too sharply. Yixing is a child in both body and mind, not grown enough within himself to take on the role of mate to the pack alpha-to-be, Huaijun is immature in spirit, reckless yet anxious, and both of them so pressured and condensed by expectations from the pack. With those thoughts echoing through his head, Yixing thinks he’s thankful for Huaijun’s virginal nerves, as they’re clearly enough to cover an alpha’s intrinsic want for the one they’ve marked as theirs.

Yixing falls out of consciousness not too long after he’s brought back to the den, slumber overwhelming his quivering body.

When he wakes, he’s been left alone. His wound still bleeds, hurting more than it did the previous night, since the adrenaline has worn off and the bruising has sunk in deep. It springs tears in Yixing’s eyes to move his shoulder in anyway, but he grits his teeth and breathes in and out to wash a calming tide of air over himself. He manages to drag himself to the closest seep, to wash the blood away and to cleanse his skin of the oils of his rite, using soapwort to clear it all away. Upon finishing with the water, he waits for it to still enough for his reflection to peer back at him.

The mark is gory upon his shoulder, outsized and spilling out from the junction of his neck to his throat and the bony arch of his shoulder. An adult male wolf’s jaw could easily hold the entirety of Yixing’s torso in its mouth, and Huaijun’s wolf vastly outsizes the average male wolf, leaving Yixing’s fifteen summers old body open for devouring.

He does not complain to the pack members about his wound, but they congratulate him and fuss around it with wonder. There’s already talk of pups running about the pack grounds, as if the entire mating process between he and Huaijun is solely about producing another alpha to guide them once death ushers Huaijun away to the spirit realm.

Yixing supposes that such expectations should have been anticipated by him.

He knows that’s his role, to father for his mate an heir. He’s to remain timid, silent, and round with pups until his body can produce no more, is what the pack seems to remind him. He should know his place as a sort of breeder to continue on the lineage of the pack.

Those still of childbearing ages begin to discuss mating cycles, so they may produce an omega for the alpha Yixing is intended to provide, murmuring between themselves about how much of an age gap should be left between the alpha and his omega. They think the seven summers between Yixing and Huaijun is more than enough, as they can gauge the temperament of the alpha and rear an omega accordingly.

The idea of any child being sent to the pack he’s just come from sickens Yixing to the point where he excuses himself to lay upon the sprigs of conifer left upon his grandmother’s burial mound. He whispers to her, seeking for advice and getting nothing in return. He does the same with Chang’e and no one answers his call.

It’s barely been a day, yet Yixing’s worn down by it. He suspects it’s the blood loss and the lack of food, as well as the grief, the severing separation from Sehun and Chanyeol, as well as the little pups at the old pack, and he suspects it’s all too much.

 

_vi._

 

Days slip by easily for Yixing, often ignored once the novelty of his mating rite has worn off, even by Huaijun, and he gets the sense of being invisible. No one attempts to befriend him, nor does his silent, sunken yet awake repose allow him to approach anyone himself. His parents don’t dote, nor do they show him much affection, for they believe it will disrupt their routine. Yixing guesses that they’re right, they spent years apart and life without having to worry for a child is liberating.

He’s no longer their problem, either. He’s Huaijun’s.

He isn’t acknowledged, nor is he given anything to do. So, he wakes, then sits and waits for his mate every day. At fifteen summers old, Yixing grips to the naive notion that his mate will rush to him and douse him with affection that’ll set him alight and suddenly start his life.

Life doesn’t start until you have made your mate happy.

The words ring in his ears, as if he can still hear them with clarity and definition.

He leaves his den only to bathe himself and shift between his human form and his wolf, returning quickly after to resume waiting. The only times he avoids returning back to the den he shares with his mate is when, after Yixing’s sixteenth summer, Huaijun begins bedding some of the older omegas of the pack. The first time Yixing sees and hears the coupling of Huaijun and another hurts like a nail driven straight through Yixing’s palm. The subsequent times are numbed, dulled down by Yixing’s devotion to making his mate happy.

He’s aware his body is still rather boyish, not at all appetising to a male wolf seven summers his senior, and he assumes the developed, matured body of older wolves are more likely to slake his cravings. He’s aware that he is scarred from the lashings he received as a child, ribbons of knotted skin remaining where open wounds and scabs had once been. It is no surprise that his body, underdeveloped and marred with punishment-inflicted imperfections, would not appeal to his mate. He is not the perfection Huaijun was promised he would be.

There are some nights where Yixing is left to sleep at the den opening, barred from his own den by his mate to enjoy the splendours of someone else, leaving Yixing trembling in the cold, rainy elements of the world around them.

He can sense the delight sex brings his mate and Yixing knows his absence at those times is what makes his mate happiest. And he wonders why he doesn’t feel alive, especially if he’s making his mate so happy by keeping his distance. If the very essence of his life is determined by how his obedience to his mate can keep his mate satisfied, why doesn’t he feel born yet? He does all he can to please his mate, including keeping as much distance as he can, but still there’s been no renaissance of Yixing’s soul.

 

_vii._

 

Huaijun does in fact take his time with completing their bond, waiting until after Yixing’s eighteenth summer to strip his mate bare and take him uncomfortably on the muddied floor between two trees not far from the pack dens. So eager to complete their bond and fulfil what he should, Yixing agrees when asked. Though, it does not happen in the way he could hope. He is bent forwards, right cheek pressed into the dirt ground and knees dug into moss to keep his hips raised. Yixing grits his teeth the entire time. There is no preparation and he bleeds at the roughness of it, bruised under the grip of his mate during the twenty heartbeats of thrusting Huaijun does before he releases inside Yixing.

There’s no arousal in Yixing’s body, nor are there any sighs of delight nor moans of pleasure. Nothing compared to the exaggerated cries the other omegas Huaijun takes to bed. Yixing remains silent, as he usually does, and stares at the bark of the tree to his left as Huaijun pulls out and leaves him on the floor.

Part of him, in a tiny voice in his mind, wishes Huaijun had taken him whilst he was still numb from the bite he was given to signify their mating.

When Huaijun has disappeared, Yixing allows himself a handful of tears to wet the cracked soil beneath his temple, still posed in an undignified manner with the sickening sensation of his mate’s ejaculate dribbling beginning to leak out.

It’s dark before Yixing stumbles back to the pack dens, only the wolves patrolling the territory are awake and Yixing doesn’t feel like entering his and Huaijun’s den. Still, his mate calls out for him and he immediately follows the sound of his voice, invigorated slightly at the idea of being useful to someone.

Each time Huaijun comes to him, Yixing accepts him willingly, and whilst no pleasure enters or leaves Yixing’s body, he thinks he’s happy enough when Huaijun rolls off from him and sleeps.

He doesn’t mind if his only use to Huaijun is sex, or being used for Huaijun’s pleasure, it gives him a sense of purpose in his life. And he learns swiftly, too. He knows that, from him, Huaijun prefers if he simply lays, kneels, or remains bent over in silence, no matter which form Huaijun takes him in. Huaijun prefers to take Yixing clothed, too, so he doesn’t have to have sight of Yixing’s revoltingly scarred back. It happens quickly yet painfully every time, but numerous sessions happen in rapid succession, and Yixing prefers the ones nearer the end. It’s sloppier and a pain to clean up at sunrise, but Yixing’s numb and delighted that his silence, stillness, and body can at least be good for something.

He wonders when he’ll bear a child, knowing that providing an heir would bring Huaijun the happiness that will kickstart Yixing’s own life. Yixing knows it must happen soon, given how often he lays on the floor for his mate to take him, and sometimes he gets a sense that he is close to pregnancy, only to be let down.

The pack’s eyes are on him, as are Huaijun’s parents’, and it plagues him with bad thoughts when moon after moon passes without one concrete sign of pups. He knows it frustrates Huaijun, too. His mate takes his frustration out on Yixing’s body, pushing his head down into dirt to take him until he bleeds, much like their first coupling, and Yixing welcomes it. He accepts it as a punishment and incentive, the pain of not fulfilling his mate’s wishes and being blessed with another opportunity to prove himself as an omega mate to the pack alpha.

He knows he can be a good mate and provide an heir, he knows he can, and Yixing prays to Chang’e to bring him happiness, to bring his renaissance, in fathering a child he can love.

Beauty escapes Yixing, it has for a long while now, and he simply doesn’t know what more to do with himself. After having completed his bond at eighteen, Yixing still has not bore a child for the pack. He can hear them and the way they talk, though, the pack members do not shield their talking. They speak as if Yixing is deaf, not mute. He is chastised by his own parents, and Huaijun’s, for not carrying the child of his mate, the child his pack will depend on. Yixing scolds himself, too, secluding himself away even further from the pack whilst never leaving the pack dens.

The conception and births of other pups are only a reminder of what Yixing’s failed to do. He watches them forlornly from a distance, playing with one another in the muddy puddles, and Yixing finds himself holding his own stomach with a sense of loss. He knows what his life, what his mating bond, what his pack, is missing and he knows it’s his own fault that it’s unfolded that way.

He begs to Chang’e to bless him with something, with anything, that will help to fill the voided gaps that have been poked through in his very existence. He pleads with the goddess of the moon to bring his mate happiness so that his own life can finally begin.

There is already talk of a curse over Yixing, one which forbids his body from producing offspring, and that idea infiltrates itself into his brain. He considers his actions as a child, how his rebellion and un-omega-like in his younger years may have cast him into the disregard of Chang’e, that those developmental years have cursed him to let down his mate and the entirety of his pack. If he cannot do the one thing he is alive to do, he feels as though he should not be alive at all.

He wonders how much of a burden he is to the ones around him, how much of a disappointment he must be as a mate to be such a failure.

Yixing turns his attention to Huaijun and solely to him, keeping an eye on him from afar. He sees how his mate laughs with a happiness Yixing himself has never been able to draw out, he sees how indulgent Huaijun is with the other omegas of the pack, even flushing Yixing’s own mother with a blush every so often. He knows Huaijun enjoys the bodies of others, Yixing takes no notice of such things anymore, he is aware of how unfulfilling he is as a mate and truly does not blame Huaijun for seeking joy elsewhere. Why would the pack alpha remain with something as useless as him?

Part of Yixing knows he cannot bear children, and he wonders where that leaves him. He wonders If he’ll ever know the pleasure of living at all.

 

_viii._

 

A pack meeting is called in the heat of summer, Huaijun’s father abdicated his pack alpha rank totally to his son, and celebrations roll through night after night until the full moon bloats the sky. It isn’t too long before their carousing comes to fruition in the form of the moon-long pack hunt in the lands of one of their allies in the north. Yixing remains separate from it all at the request of Huaijun’s omega father, fully aware that he plays no part in the ceremonies, and the pack leaves the dens, and Yixing, behind.

The other omegas run alongside their mates or parents, and Yixing is not bestowed the honour of being his mate’s or parents’ companion. So, in the heat, he lays in wait on the floor of his den with no one to hunt for him and no one to replenish the pack lands with water.

A few nights pass with Yixing sustaining himself on scraps left by the others during their celebration, cleaning bones of all their meat and chewing through them to lick out the bone marrows hidden within. That only lasts so long before hunger bites at his empty stomach and nothing remains for him to sate it with. He laps at stagnant water when the thirst becomes too overwhelming, ignoring the very first rule he was taught as a child by his grandmother.

He tries to forage, searching for the small berries he knows he can have, but much of what he can remember is skewed by time and he no longer remembers which red fruits produce poison and which could help him survive until the pack returns to him.

There’s nothing around him to safeguard him from the elements around him and he can sense the scavenger animals awaiting the day for his already slender body to give in and succumb to both dehydration and starvation. Yixing himself doesn’t place too much time on himself. He even attempts to hunt a couple of times, seeking out weak rabbits and birds and attempting to pluck them from where they try to escape him. They all do escape, given his clumsy feet and lack of technique, leaving him to stumble blindly towards burrows that may bear the meaty fruit of his prey’s flesh.

Five nights pass since the bones had been picked at and Yixing risks leaving the pack dens to seek anything at all to eat. He ends up an hour’s walk at the banks of a river where he bows his head down to drink, which he does so greedily and until the ferocity of his hunger is kept at bay. Yixing follows the flow of water downstream, heading towards the south when he catches the familiar scent of blood. Deer’s blood. He shifts into his wolf form to follow the distinctive smell of fresh meat, treading as quietly as he can until he edges towards the carcass of an animal dead for barely a day. In the summer heat, Yixing knows there will only be a few more hours until the meat will become carrion.

He dashes over to it and takes a few bites, chomping down and breaking through the skin of one of the back legs of the deer, to help curb the essence of hunger within him. Fear spikes through him when he hears twigs snapping and the unmistakable rumble of a disgruntled bear. When Yixing lifts his head from the body of the deer, he can see the shadow of a bear bounding towards him through the trees and he scurries away.

One thing he knows, even as a predator himself, without the weight of a pack behind him, Yixing could never even think of attempting to fell an adult bear. So, he runs from the meal presented in front of him. He continues to go, fear setting up camp within him when he realises that the bear does not stop to guard its prey. Instead, it shifts to hunting him down instead.

Yixing practically gallops as he tries to spring through the trees, only thankful for his light body and thin form to better his ability to weave through the landscape over the heavy-footed and clumsy bear. It feels like he’s chased for hour upon hour before the bear decides he’s not worth it, even if it may have only been a fraction of the time. It is, however, long enough for Yixing to feel utterly disoriented, unsure of where to place his feet with none of the trees and rock formations in sight drawing any kind of familiarity. Yixing’s never been granted the opportunity to explore their lands, and he has to make do with attempting to use his nose to return home. But as the hot wind whips around him and pushes air through his fur, he knows that’ll be almost impossible.

He howls out for help, crying for his parents or his mate to save him, but he hears unfamiliar wolves on his distant left respond. Their howls grow louder as they approach, probably knowing that the territory Yixing’s pack commands has been left practically empty and the single soul they can sense within the boundaries calls out for help, Yixing knows he’s made a mistake in howling. He has displayed his mate’s lands to the world as available for the taking. Guilt rips through him, having proved to outsiders that their land is weakened by the absence of strong members. It fills him with thousands of levels of dread, of yet another failure he has beset upon his pack.

Yixing takes off running once again, heading in another direction to the howls and still out of the path the bear could be waiting on. He continues to hammer his way through his pack’s territory hoping to find something that could be a safe haven. He cries as he moves, wondering what he could have done to the goddess to deserve this, to see what he has done to inflict some kind of pain upon his mate and pack. He pushes on, though, even as the sun climbs down to the horizon from where it had sat on its high peak in the summer sky.

He ends up, he assumes, along his pack’s southern border and runs along it when night falls. He knows he has expended more energy than he has already, and his body desperately cries out for any kind of sustenance. Water, berries, meats, fish, anything will do, his body tells him. And Yixing knows he has no access to any. Especially not in the southern lands, he can remember his grandmother telling him that they occupy the northern sectors of their territory because that’s where the water is.

He toes the line between the edge of Huaijun’s territory and no man’s land, sprinting along it back and forth whilst he decides whether or not to risk leaving the boundaries that will keep him safe. He whines quietly to himself as he leaps over the invisible line and heads into the land no one can claim, he continues south in hopes he may find water somewhere.

Thirst burns at Yixing’s throat as he runs, claws aching as they drag along the ground beneath him and head pounding with the want of some kind of relief. After a doer hour, he senses water nearby and changes course for it, maintaining his speed to get to the water faster. He knows he does not have the strength to keep up that pace for long, as his vision dots with intermittent blotches of black.

However, barely a kilometre from the water’s edge, the atmosphere changes and Yixing can sense the boundary of a pack. Yixing doesn’t know the area well enough to deduce whether or not his own pack are allied to these wolves, so he kills his speed almost immediately. His legs buckle and his feeble power wavers. He treads carefully through the underbrush, his fur snagging on thorns and broken branches as he drifts. He traces along the border, hoping the neutral territory will dip far enough towards the lake he can sense that he can take a drink unchallenged.

He whines, if only involuntarily, when he sees the shoreline come into view and yet feels the territorial barricade set out by this pack.

Yixing stares at the water for a long while, tongue hanging from his dry mouth as he pants and craves water. He lets his senses take over and search for other wolves. There are none for miles, none close enough for Yixing to worry about, and he thinks this territory must be vast for not a single wolf to be at this perimeter.

He searches around him with his eyes before taking a shaky step forward. He edges his right paw into the territory and awaits any sign he’s been sensed by anyone or anything. When he’s met with sounds of leaves rustling and the relaxed heartbeats of prey animals, he knows there’s no danger to him. Only nature surrounds him, not wolves.

The following steps, the ones that immerse his whole body into this alternative territory and draw him closer to the water’s edge, are taken hesitantly and slowly. He prefers moving silently between the trees and bushes over rushing himself to get his fill of water, lest the sound draw more attention than he needs.

He laps at the small waves that crawl up the shore, his tongue hitting the gritty earth below and he encouraged himself to go in further. The water will muddle and dissipate his permanent scent, so he risks going far enough into the water that half his legs are submerged, and his tongue doesn’t touch the lakebed. He drinks down sharply then, water sloshing around his mouth and water easing the tension around his legs.

Yixing allows himself to drift slightly deeper into the lake’s cool arms, the gentle tide massaging into his fur and sending a shiver down his spine. It washes him clean of any insects, debris, and mud, reducing the burning at his sinews.

When there’s the tell-tale looming pressure of other wolves rushing towards him, Yixing leaps from the water and makes a dash for the short distance to the neutral ground, to where he’s more likely to be safer.

Terror, however, seizes his heart when he can identify the scent of an alpha, one of greater power than Yixing could ever imagine being in the same vicinity as. He scrambles through the brambles and skitters into no man’s land with as much of his energy as he can summon.

He slumps against a tree and his ability to stand crumbles away from him, praying the thicket will shield him from sight.

The wolves draw closer at speed, as if they’re sprinting to weed out the intruder and relief covers Yixing from head-to-toe knowing he’s safe if he remains where he is, draped over by leaves, nettles and brambles. Dread consumes him, however, as he senses the wolves step out from the lands they own. He shifts to his human body, knowing that will show little-to-no threat against a group of wolves in their full form.

He blinks as he adjusts back to his dulled senses, anxiety drenching in the form of perspiration as he realises that he can no longer, as keenly, identify the approaching wolves. He clenches his eyes shut, body curling in on itself, ready for whatever punishments are dealt to intruders in this pack. He simply hopes it’ll be over quickly.

“Yixing?!” he hears a voice call, doing just enough to have him tilting his head to the side to hear. “Yixing, I thought it was you!”

Someone, clumsy on two legs, thunders through the foliage until they come to a sharp stop next to the bush Yixing’s fallen beneath.

“Help me move him,” the voice calls and the emergence of others in their human forms gets Yixing’s attention.

He’s extracted from this safe spot and brought out to where he can feel the wind far more keenly on his skin.

“Yixing, open your eyes,” the voice coaxes gently, as if they know he’ll obey.

When he does, his heart jumps up to his throat and he gulps it down to croak out a sound of confusion. He recognises the lilt and rasp of the words that are not from his own tongue. The voice is deeper, more matured, but Yixing knows who it is.

Yixing wonders how far he must have run to reach where Sehun is from, until he realises Sehun is speaking the tongue of Yixing’s land. His eyes widen and he moves his head to get a better look, body relaxing and calming when he sees that it is one of his dearest friends.

Sehun has grown up so wonderfully, his eighteen summers not ridding him of his wonderfully youthful demeanour but imbuing him with an adult handsomeness.

“Yixing.” Sehun grins to him, which quickly falls into a frown when he starts running his fingers across the older’s cheeks. “You’re so weak.”

Yixing nods, humming. He feels a sensation within himself that he remembers from his childhood, the notion of comfort being around someone you care about brings. He no longer feels in danger, if Sehun is there and Sehun doesn’t fear something, Yixing doesn’t either.

Sehun shuffles Yixing’s body around and turns away from Yixing. “Jongin, please bring some of the food from your pouch. I’m sure Yifan won’t mind if we spare some for Yixing.”

Another form kneels down beside Sehun and pushes the soft, red flesh of rabbit at his mouth. The wolf tears the chunk of meat up, leaving little mouthfuls in front of Yixing for him to eat, and he devours them as soon as they’re laid out before him. Sehun resumes petting across Yixing’s cheeks when they puff out with the succulent meat, admiring the way Yixing eats and once he’s finished with the rabbit, Sehun motions for Yixing to stand. He is reluctant to, but he is helped by both Sehun and the one he called Jongin.

“Who is this?” Another voice asks, and Yixing knows it’s the alpha he had attempted to flee from. The alpha comes forward as he talks, striking fear afresh within Yixing and he almost wants to call out his apologies and crumple up at the feet of this alpha and beg for forgiveness. “Someone you know?”

“It’s Yixing, the one I told you about. The one who cared for Chanyeol and I when we were at _that_ pack…”

“This is Yixing?” The alpha queries, his interest piqued as he approaches to observe Yixing closer. Yixing keeps his eyes cast down and only allows himself the permission to stare at this alpha’s feet. “He’s different to how you described him.”

“It’s been many summers and winters since then, Yifan.” Sehun sucks his teeth and Yixing shudders inside, awaiting Sehun to receive a punishment for talking back to the alpha, but nothing happens. In fact, the alpha doesn’t say another word. “We should take him back to home, he needs to rest.”

The alpha speaks then, saying, “I agree. We cannot leave him in this state, especially not alone.”

Yixing wants to tell them that it’s okay for them to leave him, as long as he can get back to his own territory and he can await someone from his own pack to find him. He says nothing, though, not wanting to fall out of the favour of this alpha, especially if he’s been kind enough to not attack Yixing on sight. Much like he knows Huaijun would if an omega stumbled into their territory. He expects that fear would keep him awake as Jongin carries him across their land, but exhaustion and the pleasure of being off his feet are too overwhelming for Yixing to ignore and he slips into a deep slumber.

When he wakes, he is a large wolf den, laid upon the thick furs of prey animals all stitched together, sweat has dampened the hairs he lays on and causes them to stick to his skin. The summer heat, it appears, is even worse even further south than where his pack occupies. He is glad for the hides surrounding him, though, as they carry two familiar scents from his childhood, one from Sehun and another, one Yixing could never misplace, was Chanyeol’s.

Both of those omegas are the ones who come to him, cradling bowls of food and leathery canteens of water, which they indulge Yixing with by feeding him by hand. They fill his head with tales of how life has been since they left the old pack, but they say nothing of why they hadn’t returned to their home packs, nor why they both bear a mark on either side of their necks. Yixing is mildly curious but doesn’t ask anything, remaining in his silent, submissive state he’s been placed under for so many moons he isn’t sure if he even has the ability to speak anymore.

They cuddle up to Yixing, though, whispering to tell him how wonderful it is to see him, that they have both missed him. And, Yixing sheds a tear and hopes they understand that the salty droplets on his cheeks are his symbol of reciprocation. It’s only when they say that nightfall will be soon that Yixing realises that he spent a large proportion of the day sleeping, dispelling most of the rawest exhaustion from his bones. The long-lasting fatigue that’s a staple of his physical demeanour doesn’t feel like it’ll ever disappear, but Yixing’s known that for a long time now, so he ignores it in favour of following them out.

The pack have clothed and bathed him, too, it seems, as his fingernails are no longer embedded with dirt. A myriad of different wolves come to bring him food, even if his stomach is full of what Chanyeol and Sehun fed him, and he politely obliges each wolf until Sehun has to get Yixing a pouch to put all the foods in.

Yixing’s taken to the lake they’d found him at. There, most of the wolves frolic in the water along the shoreline, both in human and animal form, to cool down from the heat that had built up during the day. He watches curiously as the alpha plays with the smallest wolves, tossing them up in the air until they crash back down into the water with yelped giggles and splashes. It’s something he could never imagine Huaijun doing with their pack’s pups. He holds the belief that it is the omegas and betas who concern themselves with the lives of children, that alphas have more important things to do than worry for toddlers and pups. It’s like that with everyone in Yixing’s pack and this alpha doesn’t cordon himself up from the young ones. He plays with them, lets them climb up and over his shoulders, and carries them when they’re too exhausted to play and keep themselves afloat.

Sehun pulls Yixing out of his clothes and holds his hand as they trail into the water together, Chanyeol stays on the shore and promises to come in once Jongin is there. The sweat that had accumulated on Yixing’s skin dissipates as the water laps over it, and Yixing’s spine quakes with a shiver that runs up it. He stays close to Sehun, even as a few curious pups swim close to them to get a look at Yixing.

It’s the first time in a long time that Yixing’s aware of his bare self. In his own pack, everyone has grown used to the sight of Yixing naked, but the wolves that surround him now are inquisitive.

Yixing guesses that he would have been, too, had an unfamiliar wolf appeared in his own territory with a littered with scars. However, he wishes that he wasn’t that wolf. In the years that have passed since his return to his home pack, Yixing has grown accustomed to experiencing life as an animated shadow. He prefers to sit silently and remain unnoticed, it is easier to feel at one with the world surrounding him like that. His only purpose is to serve his mate, not draw attention to himself.

Sehun shoos the small ones away, telling them that it’s impolite to stare, as if he felt Yixing’s discomfort in the way Yixing had tightened his hold on Sehun’s hand. He turns to Sehun and nods once in thanks, which pulls a frown down on Sehun’s lips.

“Why don’t you speak, Yixing?” Sehun asks, whispering and bringing one hand up to touch Yixing’s throat. “Are you always so mute?”

With a shrug, Yixing dismisses it. He doesn’t even know how to articulate why he doesn’t speak. It’s something pathological, something within Yixing’s brain that connects speaking to pain. He is convinced that not speaking at all will do him more favours than never speaking a word; he cannot be punished for what he says if he never says anything.

Knowing not to push, Sehun accepts Yixing’s despondent reaction with and pat on Yixing’s head.

Sehun rises up taller than Yixing, as does Chanyeol, overtaking the height he had on them in their earlier years. They hold themselves proudly, too, Yixing notes as Chanyeol comes towards them with his hand in Jongin’s. Neither of them shies away, nor do they remain docile as they start to play and run amuck in the lake water. It’s as if all their training at the omega pack has been unpicked and forgotten. They’re not weighed down by the shackles of obedience, virtue, and constant expectation for them to provide an heir.

They’ve been left to flourish and blossom, unpruned by abusive hands and nurtured with the careful hands of love, instead.

Yixing wonders what changed within them. He wonders what has remained stagnant and suffocated within himself. He wonders what has freed them and if it can free him, too.

“Are you not going to join in with the playing?” A voice queries, gentle and deep.

Yixing turns to find the alpha behind him, giving him a small smile and a little tilt of the head. He appears boyish yet matured, an innocence breaking through the harsh features of his face. Yixing breaks eye contact quickly once it’s made, not wanting to stare and fear making the alpha uncomfortable with him.

“You can play if you want to,” the alpha reassures him, and Yixing nods his head.

In all honestly, Yixing isn’t entirely sure how to play. He hasn’t done anything of the sort since before his tenth summer passed, he can’t remember how it feels to have laughter rip through him in an uncontrollable tide. The only memories he has of the time are of being punished for it. It’s un-omega-like, in Yixing’s mind, to do such a thing. Even if he may itch to inside.

“I’m Yifan, by the way.” The alpha bows his head down slightly to Yixing in greeting. “I’m not sure how much you’ve talked with Sehun, but I hope my cousin has told you that you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you’d like to.”

Yixing doesn’t indicate that Sehun hasn’t said as such, not wanting to get Sehun in any kind of trouble, so Yixing nods his head with what he hopes is surety. Silence falls and Yixing returns to looking at Sehun and Chanyeol, observing how they interact with Jongin with such familiarity, and growing curious when he spies mirrored marks on Jongin’s neck, very much in the same kind as the ones that are on the omegas’ necks.

Just as Yixing’s about to descend into thoughts about why it may look like at, Yifan’s voice breaks straight through Yixing’s mind.

“Some of the pack are going on a leisure hunt tonight, if you want to join? It’s nothing strenuous, it’s just when we teach the youngsters different techniques and things like that. You’re more than welcome to come along to anything we do whilst you’re here.”

A crushing sensation settles in Yixing’s chest, the panic of not knowing how to explain himself.

Yixing feels he must wear his emotions on his face, as Yifan soon widens his eyes and fumbles for words.

“I forgot, you and Sehun were at the same… You wouldn’t know…” Yifan takes a moment to breathe then wades through the water to stand in front of Yixing. “I’m sorry, I should have remembered.”

Yixing smiles a little, as best as he can without opening his mouth, and he bobs his head in acknowledgment and a small hum accompanies it.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but your pack, they haven’t taught you anything?” If Yixing knew Yifan better, he’d probably surmise that his tone of voice is one of concern, but Yixing reads it as pity. He doesn’t wish to be pitied, nor does he want another alpha to think that Yixing’s pack doesn’t do enough to look after themselves.

But the only thing Yixing can do is shake his head.

“We can always teach you, if you want? Depending on how long you stay, I’m sure we could teach you a couple of things to at least give you some technique.”

Yixing is flattered by the offer – part of him wanting to agree, simply out of curiosity. Still, he knows he shouldn’t, figuring that Huaijun wouldn’t want him to learn. Because, if he had, he would have taught Yixing himself, even before Yixing’s favour with his pack started to slip.

“Yifan, don’t bombard Yixing with questions,” Sehun shouts out, chastising. “He’s not particularly good with strangers, so just give him some time to settle.”

“Right, yes,” Yifan mutters, if only to himself. “I’m sorry, Yixing. I just wanted to come and introduce myself and tell you that I hope you can be comfortable here.”

With a small nod and what he can muster up as a smile, Yifan grins back at Yixing and turns back towards the children to observe them splashing around in the shallows. Yixing stands, suddenly disoriented by everything. The sunlight reflects from the surface of the water and blinds him momentarily, palpitating his heart in his chest with sudden fear as he gasps for air quickly.

The world tilts on its side and Yixing feels like the earth is slipping out from under his feet. It feels like a punch to the gut, with everything happening all at once but also nothing happening at all.

“Hey, hey, Yixing,” a familiar voice breaks through the void of confusion, and that’s paired with the comfort of hands cradling his face. Chanyeol blocks out the sun, head bowed towards Yixing with a concerned expression. “You’re okay. Try to take deep breaths. I know it’s a lot to take in and a big shift. It’s probably just some kind of shock.”

Another set of hands join Chanyeol’s and Yixing knows it’s Sehun, both of them reaching through to Yixing’s senses until he can blink himself into full awareness. The omegas block Yixing from the sight of the others, surrounding him in the way they used to cuddle up to one another as the nights would pass at their old pack. There’s a direct focus on him, on him zoning in on them. There’re two others standing on the periphery, Yifan and Jongin, keeping their distance but remaining close enough for Yixing to know that they’re there, either as watchful observers or as a presence of protectiveness.

Yixing hardly knows it when he’s brought out of the water, however, the change in terrain beneath his feet from wet to soft warmth signals the grass is something he can easily distinguish. He is guided back to the main pack area, where he’s taken into one of the dens and laid out on the floor. Both Sehun and Chanyeol curl up around Yixing, even despite the heat, and Jongin and Yifan wrap around them.

There’s an ache in Yixing’s head and chest which flows around his body, but it dissipates quickly, washed over by the calm of the people around him.

The pile remains still, all beading with sweat, until Yixing whines gently and nuzzles into Sehun’s shoulder. As if that’s the key to the bundle unravelling, each person moves until they’re sat up and looking at Yixing.

“We think you went into a bit of shock. You were so exhausted yesterday, so terrified, parched, and starved, that your body shut down a little whilst you slept, and it caught up with you the moment you let your guard down a little.”

Yixing’s not really listening, none too fussed about what happened to him, as long as he’s safe. Part of him wishes he could care, wishes he could possibly attempt to reach out for feelings to process the situation, but he can’t. There’s nothing for him to grasp within himself to understand.

He had gotten himself lost and all he felt was that he had been found.

Jongin and Yifan leave the den, talking quietly between themselves in a way that Yixing knows they’re speaking about him. He ignores it in favour of looking between both Chanyeol and Sehun, who are visibly cautious around him. They want to ask questions, Yixing knows it, and he fears he may not have proper answers for them.

They don’t speak, though, all they do is look at Yixing until tears well up in their eyes. The two other omegas look at each other, having a silent conversation between themselves before they crawl into one another’s arms, whispering, “I know, I know.”

Yixing’s lost and confused, unaware of why they would be crying, so he fumbles his way over to them, wanting to scoop them up in his arms to protect them from everything that hurt, like he did when he was younger. Yet, when he draws closer, he’s the one that’s wrapped up by them, as if he is the one that needs comfort.

He knows he had an unsteady moment, but he doesn’t feel, in himself, that it’s anything much to cry about. However, they sob into Yixing’s hair as if death had taken him, not the grips of panic.

Everything within Yixing wants to tell them not to cry, to speak words that will drip like honey into their ears and coat everything with gold. He simply doesn’t know how to produce the words. He hopes they can sense it from him, he watches them until they calm, and their breaths flow steadily.

“We wish we could have done more for you,” Chanyeol manages to croak out. “If we’d have known it’d be like this for you. I don’t know what we could have done but we could have done something. Or made Yifan do something.”

Yixing smiles, placatingly, slightly confused by what Chanyeol has said, but he rubs one of their cheeks each. It’s an attempt to be endearing, to show that whatever they’re worried about, it needn’t be a true worry for them.

“To see you so sad, even more so than when we were back with that pack.” Sehun is the one who continues, bottom lip poking outwards with a slight quiver to it, “Why didn’t you run away sooner? Why didn’t you find us sooner?”

Yixing blinks twice, his mouth opening to reveal a rasped and damaged, “I didn’t run away.”

Well aware of the fact that he should be near the pack dens, awaiting the return of his mate and packmates. Both omegas startle at the sound of Yixing’s unused voice, having not heard it since their younger years. It brings a new set of tears around afresh, this time Yixing hums and is successful in gathering them up in his arms.

“I think that makes us feel worse, Yixing. You’re like this and you still wouldn’t run away.”

Yixing still doesn’t realise quite what they’re referring to, but he expects that it’s the state of his body, scarred and nothing much more than skin wrapped around bones. But, it’s not much different to how they’d seen him when they’d parted. The only new scar is Huaijun’s mark, but that’s hardly close to the horrific welts hide belts left across Yixing’s spine. But, looking at them, the way they huddle together, the way their pack is full of life and laughter, Yixing can see part of the reason why.

This pack is nothing like the one they resided in as children, nor is it like Yixing’s home. There’s a filial and caring sensation. The alpha played with the pups in the water, the alpha and Jongin stayed close when Yixing was evidently vulnerable, the pack opened up to Yixing so easily with open arms. He was not attacked upon arrival, nor has he been picked at with questions, he was washed, fed and bathed and accepted instantly.

The dynamic of the people around Yixing is different, it echoes with joy and security. No one is left in the mud by their mates, no one is left to fend for themselves without being taught how to do so, no one is pushed to the wayside. At least, not that Yixing can see in the limited view he’s had. He can sense it in the atmosphere, there’s an ambience that settles him with a positive feeling.

“I am okay, do not worry,” Yixing manages to tell them.

He doesn’t think some of the first words he should speak for the first time in years should be lies, but they are.

 

_ix._

 

Sehun and Chanyeol hover around Yixing like bees to a nectar-rich blossom, which he doesn’t mind, as seeing his two younger omegas fills the void of loneliness that’s grown within him over the many moons since he last felt wanted by someone. He speaks to them at odd intervals, telling them things in short snippets. His voice sounds scratchy. They ignore that, though, and focus on the words.

They tell Yixing about their lives and how they came to be in Yifan’s pack. Sehun explains that this is the pack he’d always been destined to come to, Yifan’s his cousin and this is the place he was supposed to find a mate. Chanyeol came with him, collected when Yifan went to retrieve Sehun and Yifan had offered him the chance to find a mate, a chance to stay at Sehun’s side. Something they tell Yixing, which surprises him to no end, is that they mated with each other. Two omegas, in love and bonded. Still, he’s thrown even deeper into shock when they say that Jongin is also their mate, that they combine as three rather than as a pair. Either sides of their necks bear bite marks because there are three people in their bond.

Yixing doesn’t entirely understand how that works. He does see it in the interactions between the three. Their intimacy with one another drives a sense of nostalgia into Yixing’s chest for something he’s never felt himself. Seeing them so happy, so _whole_ when they’re together tells Yixing all he needs to know. Their adoration for one another shines through like the blinding sun, in a twist and mix of love and support.

On the odd occasion, Chanyeol and Sehun go hunting with their pack, which Chanyeol informs Yixing was the first thing Yifan set about doing when they first arrived. Now, Chanyeol is adept at catching fish in both lakes and rivers, whilst Sehun helps to take down larger game with the alpha and betas of the pack.

Their lives have forked since leaving their childhood pack with Chanyeol and Sehun learning new skills, being the omegas, they were before they were sent to the omega pack. Yixing sits and listens to them, wondering about what he has learnt since returning to his own pack.

He concludes that it’s nothing much; he’s still the omega who can’t seem to do anything right. The only new thing is that he’s eager to roll over for his mate, just so he can be used for something. But Yixing can foresee the crestfallen expressions the other two would have if he were to truly confess that. He keeps his current life to himself, bottled up and stored away to protect Sehun and Chanyeol from the contrast between Yixing’s life and theirs.

He shares small segments, though.

Apparently, even the breadcrumbs he fed them were enough for them to ask Yixing one night:

“Yixing, do you love your mate?”

They don’t say it to offend him or speculate, they show a genuine care and curiosity for Yixing’s response and he finds it difficult to answer.

Seeing the way Sehun, Jongin, and Chanyeol interact with each other, Yixing knows what he as with Huaijun is anything but love.

Instead, he shrugs, stating, “Being mates means something different where I’m from.”

They want to inquire further, although their questions stay in their mouths. Yixing knows he’s said enough for them to understand that there’s a strong likelihood that Yixing isn’t lucky enough for love. He also knows he’s revealed some degree of justification, that he is willing to remain loyal to his bond, even without love.

Not too long after they’ve spoken, Jongin appears and ushers them to go for a late-night swim in the lake to cool off before sleeping, leaving Yixing to wander around the pack’s dens for a short while before he heads to sleep himself.

There, Yifan finds him with a smile and water.

Yixing likes Yifan, even if their interactions haven’t gone much further than hesitant bobs of the head in acknowledgement of each other. Yixing does it out of respect for Yifan as a pack alpha and Yifan appears to respond in likeness to be kind. And that’s all Yixing seems to sense and observe from Yifan: kindness.

He takes time for everyone in the pack, talking them through their needs and wants, and never turning anyone away should they need him. He plays with the children every day, both in wolf form and human. As well as, inviting the entire pack to hunt together to strengthen their bonds and help the younger ones practice their technique.

Yifan believes in pack unity, in each member feeling equal to one another, and Yixing cannot imagine anyone so starkly different from Huaijun. So different from any alpha Yixing’s ever been governed by.

Still, Yixing panics somewhat when he accepts the water from Yifan. He hesitates but accepts to not appear disrespectful. He is not part of Yifan’s pack and there’s always the chance he will not be extended the same courtesy of Yifan’s pack members.

“I heard from Sehun that you’re talking a little. He’s been under the impression that you don’t talk much in your old pack.”

Yixing nods as he sips from the waterskin he’s been given. Muteness doesn’t have his tongue this time, but his unwillingness to expose himself to strangers does.

“I thought, if you were willing to, we could get to know each other a little more.” Yifan talks as if he’s memorised lines, clearly not wanting to overstep any type of boundary, and Yixing would find it endearing, had his nerves not chewed him up inside. “You don’t have to. I simply thought, as alpha of this pack, I should get to know our newcomer, especially since Sehun won’t tell me all too much about you. I’d like to know the person living with my pack. If that’s okay?”

Yixing, not wanting to disrespect Yifan’s extended kindness, replies almost inaudibly, “It’s okay.”

“Great!” Yifan’s enthusiasm startles Yixing a little, but the alpha doesn’t appear to notice all too much. “I was thinking, if you wouldn’t mind, I could maybe teach you how to hunt a little? Nothing too much, just small animals, just in case you’re on your own again and you need to look after yourself.”

The way Yixing’s teeth set in his mouth catches Yifan’s attention and he halts himself immediately. It’s plain to see that Yifan thinks Yixing doesn’t want to. The problem raging inside of Yixing is that he does want to, he hates being left to starve because he can’t even take care of himself. He just doesn’t know if Huaijun would approve. He speculates that Huaijun wouldn’t.

“It’s okay to say you don’t want to, I can always find another way to get to know you.”

“I do want to,” Yixing whispers, lowering the waterskin from his mouth to twiddle between his fingers. “My mate…”

 _“Oh,”_ Yifan chimes, closing his eyes a little, evidently berating himself inside. “I see, uh, I guess I didn’t consider that.”

Yixing offers a small smile, murmuring, “Thank you.”

“I’ll think of something we can do, I promise. Or if there’s something you definitely want to learn to do which you think would be okay to learn, just tell me.”

Within Yixing rises an urge, one to finally learn how to hunt and a small voice tells him that he couldn’t possibly disappoint Huaijun anymore than he already has. Seemingly barren and infertile, Yixing isn’t good for anything much anyway. He brings the ultimate shame to his mate by not being capable to produce an heir, being able to take down a small rabbit wouldn’t do much different.

He doesn’t say any of that to Yifan, he keeps it locked away in his head, attempting to smother the voices of disobedience in his mind. Not even when the sudden end to their conversation leads to them bidding goodnight to one another with short waves and muttered words.

Yixing scurries to the makeshift den they made him for his stay, hiding away in it with furs, the waterskin Yifan gave him, and a quiet war within his own head.

 

_x._

 

Yixing rises from his den early, probably far earlier than every other person in the pack and he takes a short walk around the outskirts of the settlement. He doesn’t stray far enough to lose sight of any of the dens but is still surrounded by trees. The peaceful quiet reminds him of his home pack. It’s one of the few things he enjoys about being there. Even if that joy arose out of necessity, with Huaijun’s use for their den to spend time with others and Yixing being left to sleep with no shelter.

The birds sing happily, blissfully unaware of the numbness within Yixing that fills him just as much as his blood does.

“I thought I heard that someone was awake,” Yifan’s voice calls, emerging from the other side of Yixing than where the dens are. Yixing hadn’t realised Yifan wasn’t in his den, even if he clearly is not. “I usually wake before sunrise, even in the summer, to run and stretch my legs. Or, go for a swim. Just to get some alone time to recharge a little and collect my own thoughts.”

There’s a sense within Yixing that Yifan speaks to overcompensate for Yixing’s quietness, which he doesn’t particularly mind. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a new voice tell you new things, Yixing surmises as Yifan talks him through the route he took on his long walk once he’d woken up.

“Maybe you should join me one day, if you’re an early riser?” Yifan offers, and Yixing knows this is the solution to the problem presented between them the night before. Even if Yifan’s attempting to be subtle about it, Yixing could practically see the lightbulb moment on Yifan’s face when he realised what he could offer.

Yixing would laugh if he was able to muster up the sound. He hasn’t done so in so long, he’s unsure that he’d be able to remember how to do such a thing.

Still, he nods and Yifan grins at him so wide that his gums show. What should be a disconcertingly domineering face is softened by the creases of Yifan’s smile, which already glows in the early morning light. Yixing, it becomes apparent to himself, is not immune to the smile of a handsome alpha. Yixing doesn’t think anyone would be immune, especially to one as softly joyful and expressive as Yifan’s.

Yixing enjoys the sight of Yifan’s smile and he wills himself to reciprocate, even if his own is small and closed lipped. Yifan appears to note this and his eyes light with accomplishment and that pulls a weight down inside of Yixing. He thinks it’s rather embarrassing that someone would see making him smile as being an accomplishment. He doesn’t maintain the same striking handsomeness that Yifan does. Instead, he’s rather outwardly – and inwardly – plain. He sees nothing special within himself that Yifan should view as worthy of satisfaction.

“I can show you the area, so you don’t get lost if you go out on your own,” Yifan suggests, looking Yixing in the eye. “If you’re to be fully comfortable somewhere, you should know the lay of the land first, otherwise it can be rather daunting to be left alone.”

A thought in Yixing’s head directs him towards the fact that he hardly knows the territory he is supposed to call home. When he had strayed from the dens, he could barely tell east from west. He couldn’t find his way home, either. It left him stranded and afraid, worried about attack from both a bear and another pack.

Thinking it is the proper thing to do, Yixing mumbles, “Yes, please.”

Yifan shares another look of accomplishment with Yixing, not even bothering to hide it. Yixing wonders if all the wolves in this pack share their emotions so freely. It should scream vulnerability in Yixing’s head, given that strength in his own pack is measured by apathy. Yet, the confidence Yifan holds with his own emotions, enough so to share them readily with a stranger, radiates something entirely different.

Yifan exudes the appearance of honesty bearing the most strength, that the capability to be tender can run concurrently to being respected by those in his pack. Whilst unfamiliar to Yixing, he can see why Yifan would champion this, as even through the few words they have exchanged, Yixing has gained nothing but a sincere notion of comfort. Yifan is there to be a part of his pack, to play a positive role in each of his pack members’ lives, and there is a beauty in that.

Much like Yixing can appreciate the way the sun shines through the thin, green leaves of the summery canopy above, Yixing can appreciate Yifan’s apparent ethos.

Silence is easy and unweighted as they walk back towards the camp in close proximity to each other, weaving between the trees until they come to the first den. There, Yifan invites Yixing to start a fire with him so the pack can boil water to drink once they’ve awoken from their sleep. Yixing watches with interest when Yifan strikes a spark from two stones, admiring how the dried grass he uses to help the spark catch into a flame glows orange before it turns to black. From that moment onwards, sticks are added to the bundle of fire, followed up by larger logs already chopped up.

Yifan gestures for Yixing to start another fire, one for broths that will be left to simmer all day for children to eat as they please. He attempts to copy Yifan’s actions, growing frustrated by how he cannot seem to be able to create any kind of spark between the two stones. It doesn’t take long for Yifan to ask if he needs help, Yixing doesn’t bother with refusing, as it’s clear that he does need some guidance. He still flinches slightly when Yifan’s hands cover his own to help him strike the stones together, but that doesn’t last for long as soon the grass bundle in front of Yixing starts to smoke a little.

It is Yifan who lifts the grass up, telling Yixing to blow over it gently to give the flames more oxygen to grow and when they do, Yixing is allowed to take over once more. He guides dry twigs towards the flames and Yifan drags the larger chunks of chopped wood towards Yixing, still letting him be the one who lets the flames catch them but doing the majority of the heavier lifting.

Yixing stares at the flames in wonder, knowing that he had helped breathe life into some of them. Yifan prepares the structures that hand above the fires to hand pots from, even going as far as to use water from his own waterskin to start letting some of the water boil. That’s when a few of the elders and younger children begin to rouse from their sleep, emerging from their dens one by one to go about their morning tasks assigned by Yifan.

The dynamic between Yifan and the pack members is so incredibly different from the ones Yixing was raised in. In the way Yifan handles the elders and the youngest children, Yixing can see why Sehun and Chanyeol move with the freedom that they do. It’s as though Yifan’s pack has managed to cut the wiring of their brains left by the omega pack.

Yixing closes his eyes and faces upwards, silently pleading with Chang’e to tell him how packs like this exist in their world. He knows he will find no response from her, the one who resides on the moon, but he still wonders if it was some kind of punishment to be placed in the omega pack, or if his existence will be a lifelong endeavour of repentance for being barren and incapable of bringing his mate’s child into the world.

There’s laughter all around Yixing, the sound of a large family waking to the world around him, and he still prays to Chang’e for guidance. He only opens his eyes when he’s tapped on the shoulder.

He sees Yifan there, offering him a bowled cup of dried tea leaves that are slowly swelling and flavouring the steaming water they’re in.

“To say thank you, for the help with the fire. It’s only fair that you eat the fruits of your labour.”

And Yixing wonders if this is it, if this is his sign from Chang’e.

Half of him hopes that it is, half of it hopes that it isn’t.

 

_xi._

 

The other mornings flow like that, with both Yifan and Yixing strolling in the quiet before making it back to the pack grounds to start fires and drink a cup of morning tea. It becomes a pattern, one that Yixing doesn’t find uneasy and he likes the ease of the routine, it helps him feel like less of an outsider in the pack. He has something that is his to do. He isn’t simply waiting around all day for someone to do something for him. He can help and be, if only a tiny part, of use to someone.

He can strike a fire up on his own, learning the technique Yifan uses to make the most sustainable fires for the pack, and Sehun and Chanyeol occupy the rest of Yixing’s days outside of that. They show Yixing foods made by their pack, including fish and berries caked together and gently cooked – one of Yixing’s favourite he’s learnt. They take him along on their little hunts they go on with Jongin and Yifan, practicing their ability to chase and catch rabbits, voles, and other small mammals. Yixing sits on the periphery as they run, leap, and pounce, between Jongin and Yifan as if he needs protecting.

Yixing likes Jongin, he finds him to be a caring and endearing beta. His love for Chanyeol and Sehun, his ability to be what they both need but cannot get from each other is a beautiful mix. He has the most skill in hunting and is the one who teaches the children, along with Yifan, the most about what they need to know about catching prey. There’s a pride in the way Jongin holds himself, both in human form and wolf, whenever Chanyeol or Sehun do anything at all.

He cares for Yixing, too, being the one that hunts for him and ensures he is comfortable before he sleeps. Yixing guesses it’s one of Jongin’s mates who encourages him to make an effort with Yixing, but Yixing doesn’t mind that all too much. Especially since the moments Yixing has the confidence to speak in, Jongin always listens intently and beams a handsome smile at Yixing. It’s encouraging. Yixing doesn’t feel drowned out by the constantly happy pack when there are ears attentively listening out to hear his voice.

Yifan’s the same, too. He quietens himself whenever Yixing feels like he’s about to say something, or in the moments Yifan himself would wish for Yixing to say something. Yixing can certainly see how confidence is infectious in this pack.

Still, Yixing knows he’s holding himself back. It wouldn’t be right for him to unravel from where he’s been bound, especially since his stay with the pack is not permanent. And that’s when he thinks about it, thinks about how lost he feels whenever he thinks about trying to get back to his own pack. To some extent, Yixing is still waiting constantly, simply not idly, because he doesn’t know how to find his home. Nor does he know when his pack will come for him. If they ever will at all.

He keeps tally of the days, counting them down, and Yixing knows he has until the next full moon. At least.

The celebratory hunt for Huaijun’s ascension into pack alpha-hood would still be underway. They probably don’t realise Yixing’s even gone yet.

Yixing tells Sehun about it, trying to find the words he knows how to say, to explain that his pack left him for the hunt, that they may not even look for him until the next moon cycle begins. Telling Sehun is the easiest thing to do, as he knows Sehun will relay his messages to Yifan, giving a time limit on his stay with them.

And Yixing knows Yifan’s been told, as one night, after Jongin has come to check on him and the came has fallen silent – other than for the crackles of the dying fires – Yifan approaches Yixing’s den to tell him:

_“No matter how long before they come to collect you, you’re welcome to stay here and be part of us.”_

That’s the first night Yixing lets himself with, silently within his own head, that his pack doesn’t come for him at all. Yet, he knows he’s duty-bound to them. He’s Huaijun’s mate, the omega that is meant to stay faithfully at the alpha’s side. He’s not supposed to hiding away, hoping he’s never found by his own pack.

He fears, partly, that the freedom this pack brings him, will undo some of the obedience that’s been placed upon him by his upbringing. It all depends, to Yixing, on whether he sees more worth in his own sense of freedom or in fulfilling his own duties. He’s not quite sure.

 

_xii._

 

One morning, someone in their wolf form comes to wake Yixing whilst the sky is only just beginning to bleed blue with sunlight. It takes Yixing a few moments to guess that it’s Yifan, with his long legs and serious eyes, which have shifted to amber from brown. He doesn’t relax fully whilst he’s ushered quietly but quickly out of his den by Yifan’s prodding snout, heading sleepily towards the treeline. In the dark, Yixing only just recognises the route to the lakeside through his bleary eyes and lets Yifan guide him easily.

When they emerge through the trees, to the waterside, Yifan barks at Yixing to encourage him to shift into his wolf too. Hiding himself behind a thick-trunked tree, Yixing strips himself off and tucks his sleeping clothes under a couple of the ferns, relaxing his body until his bones reorganise themselves and his skin sprouts with his darkened, sandy blond fur. He hesitantly paws his way to Yifan, bowing his head down and rolling onto his back to show submission. Yifan chuffs some air out of his nose, as if shocked by Yixing’s action, but still licks the fur at Yixing’s throat for a moment to show acceptance.

Once he’s on his feet again, Yifan scampers off to start on a walk around the shores of the lake. Yixing follows again, moving somewhat slower than Yifan does and they keep going until they’re halfway round and the sun sits like an eye in the sky, shining its watchful light over them. There, Yifan stops to sit on the ground, looking at Yixing expectantly with his tail dragging in curves along the floor. Yixing edges towards Yifan with hesitance and sits at his side, to bask in the sun.

Yifan’s wolf is a colour that appears black but actually shines brown when in the sunlight, softening the harshness that would otherwise dominate his appearance.

In world form, Yixing can see why Yifan’s an alpha. He’s tall and lithe in a way that surely betrays his strength, but he’s also watchful and protective with his eyes observing everything in sight and ears twitching to listen out for anything hidden away.

Yixing enjoys the sunlight and its warmth, especially in the mornings, and the closes his eyes for a moment.

Before he can open them again, Yixing feels something against his fur and startles to look at the source. He yips a little when he sees its Yifan, tongue out to clean Yixing’s fur. It’s been a long time since Yixing was last groomed in his wolf form, the last being by one of the younger omegas in the omega pack who groomed others to find comfort.

With a soft whine and the untensing of his body, Yixing indicates that he’s okay with the gesture. He misses it. Some of his fondest memories are of his little pup body being caressed with the loving licks over his fur by his grandmother. The size of Yifan compared to Yixing’s scrawny frame – probably the size of Yifan in general – makes him think back to those moments of care he received from his grandmother.

Yixing lays down and lets Yifan lay down beside him, all the while cleaning through Yixing’s fur and breathing in a blanket of warm air over the flesh hidden beneath the fur. The actions, even in the way Yifan’s head tilts and moves, and how he starts at the shoulders to make his way around to Yixing’s throat, all remind Yixing of his grandmother.

He’s partway between bliss and tears when Yifan slows to a stop and lays flat on the ground, eyes closing as the sun climbs a little higher up. Yixing watches him for a short while, how the light shimmers on his fur and how the tips of his ears wisp a little at the ends where the hair is slightly longer. As both human and wolf, Yifan is extraordinarily handsome.

When he tilts his head to look back at Yixing, Yifan’s eyes seem to blaze with the shimmering amber that refracts light. Yixing’s eyes don’t change colour when he shifts from human to wolf, they remain the same hazel brown that they always have been.

The tiredness of being awoken before sunrise washes over Yixing and he indulges himself in a short nap, realising that Yifan won’t be moving them along for any time soon.

In reverse of how Yifan brought Yixing from his sleep before, Yifan’s in his human form with his fingers brushing through the fur between Yixing’s shoulders. He drags his nails along the skin beneath Yixing’s coat, drawing a pleased whine from Yixing as the gentle sensation spreads pleasant warmth through his body. Yifan pets Yixing from head to tail, melting the tenseness of Yixing’s muscles into puddles, only aided by the heat of the day which has increased since Yixing first fell asleep again. Yifan uses both hands, one staying at Yixing’s neck to play with the fluffier fur there, whilst the other smooths out the rest of Yixing’s coat.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been pet in this way in his life, with no one paying much attention to his fur in his own pack, so when Yifan’s nails scratch a little, Yixing cannot stop the short, pleased sighs that escape him.

“Your wolf is handsome, Yixing,” Yifan hums, guessing that Yixing’s awake again. “Your fur is like a treasure, so soft and golden.”

The unconscious sway of his tail at the compliment betrays Yixing, very much like how a blush would if he were human. Yifan chuckles lightly at the sight of Yixing’s happiness, petting him more and more until Yixing’s tail lifts up from the floor to move from side to side, as if he’s wagging it like a pup would. Before long, Yifan nuzzles his face into the fur on Yixing’s shoulder and remains there for a while, hands still moving in soothing motions. The action is friendly, possibly more so than Yixing would think he’d ever be comfortable with, but he relaxes as Yifan’s breath diffuses over his skin.

Yixing finds he likes the closeness. He enjoys it, in fact.

The combination of Yifan’s hands and the way he rests up against Yixing brings far more warmth than the sun does, even when it’s almost at the peak of where it climbs to in the sky.

Without startling Yifan, Yixing rolls over slowly to reveal his stomach, tail still swishing from side to side. It’s a sign of trust and submission, but only in an endearing way. From there, Yifan’s hands caress up from Yixing’s stomach and back down again, Yifan’s face finding its home against Yixing’s chest.

Just from this small moment, Yixing is aware of how easily Yifan’s pack can regard one another as a family. There is nothing beyond indulgent yet platonic intimacy. Yixing knows this, he’s seen others in the pack doing it to those who are not their mate. Yet, with Yifan being so close and so willing to soothe and care for Yixing’s wolf, Yixing’s heart flutters around lightly in his chest. He doesn’t think it’s triggered by anything else other than the unfamiliarity of the action. He reasons with himself that it’s the excitement of being close to another creature in general that he feels, not that it has anything to do with it being an alpha. Especially since his own has never done anything of the sort – at least, not with Yixing. Or, simply being that it’s _Yifan,_ one of the most handsome, caring, and intriguing beings Yixing’s ever come across.

When Yifan stops and pulls away, Yixing tilts his head to the side to look around at Yifan and blinks a few times before looking away, realising that Yifan’s skin is entirely bare. Yixing’s tail, thankfully, doesn’t respond like Yixing’s human blushing mechanism in its entirety. This time, Yixing’s body warms up as if he is blushing, and he reckons that beneath his fur, he probably is.

That comes and passes swiftly, as Yifan reverts back to his wolf form and barks at Yixing for Yixing to get up and follow him. Yixing doesn’t respond but does as requested, relieved when he sees Yifan heading towards the water.

They don’t go in deep, just enough that the water reaches Yixing’s flank and cools over his surely blushed skin. They stand side by side, looking out across the water until Yifan’s wolf jumps away from Yixing, tail proudly up in the air and head leaning to one side. Yixing turns to look at him, unsure of how to react.

A loud yelp leaves Yixing’s mouth when Yifan lunges for him.

It’s playful and reminds Yixing of how he would jump and clamber over his grandmother when he was a cub. Yifan doesn’t try to climb over Yixing, however, he chooses to land in the water in front of Yixing instead, drenching the entire front half of Yixing’s body in water.

He isn’t entirely sure how to react, so he stands still with his eyes wide. Yifan moves around him, as if to mimic hunting prey and Yixing begins to retreat to the shore. Not to escape, but if there is any way he knows how to act, it is weak and feeble. As that’s truly what he is.

Only when they reach the shallows does Yifan pounce again, almost making it seem as though he was waiting for Yixing to get to a depth where his head wouldn’t be submerged, should he fall. Yixing lets himself topple to the ground when Yifan’s paws gently lay on his side and he tries to imitate defending himself as best as he can. Even if it has been too many moons since he last play fought with anyone.

Yifan doesn’t play too roughly either, always biting gently then smoothing over the spot with his tongue before moving on to keep fighting. Every motion and movement, from the water splashing around to how the two of them leap to pounce and parry to escape, leaves Yixing feeling almost exhilarated.

They keep going until Yixing grows too tired to continue, whining at Yifan who immediately backs away and sits on the little sandy lip of a beach. He keeps his distance as Yixing moves out of the water and shakes his coat off, stretching out with an arch of his back before sitting, mirroring Yifan.

Only then does Yifan shake off his own fur and trots up and away from the waterline towards the trees once more. Yixing trails behind him, treading a little slower and being mindful to follow Yifan directly until they appear out at a more well-trodden pathway. Yifan drops back then, walking alongside Yixing and matching their strides up to keep them moving in time with one another. Yifan’s mouth hangs open, his tongue flopping slightly with each shift of his body, and Yixing wonders how an alpha of Yifan’s size can still look so playful.

Yifan chuffs at Yixing, too. It’s a noise supposed to fill the silence without any true communication. It’s an expression of how happy Yifan is, that their sleeping and playing was something he enjoyed. Yixing doesn’t try to chuff back but he knows Yifan can probably see that he’s a little more relaxed than he has been before.

Yixing feels it within himself, in the way his shoulders roll as he moves. There’s a flow that comes with the lessening of fear and desolation crawling up your back each time you breathe. Not even the midday heat, not even eased by shadows of the trees, quite soothes Yixing like rest and play seems to have.

Part of him almost doesn’t want to return back to the camp. It’s there where the reality that Yixing is only a guest will return, pinching at the back of Yixing’s head with a nagging feeling that he doesn’t belong there.

Before the realisation fully dawns on Yixing as they get to the pathway that forks to lead to the beach or the dens, that these moments where he doesn’t feel completely empty are not his home, Yifan stops walking. Yixing halts where he stands, too, looking around for any kind of danger. Alert and listening keenly to the smallest of sounds. Yifan doesn’t appear alarmed as Yixing meets his eyes. Instead, he stares directly at Yixing with an expression difficult for Yixing to decipher. Yifan’s tail wags gently behind his body, signalling happiness, but his eyes are shadowed by some indescribable sadness. Yixing doesn’t know how to act. He cannot discern anything another than his own confusion.

Rigidity overtakes Yixing’s body when Yifan creeps closer to him, never moving his eyes from Yixing. It isn’t predatory, nor is it hesitant, the way Yifan draws closer to Yixing. It’s confident and sure, simply presented in a way that won’t startle Yixing too much.

Yifan’s amber eyes stare into Yixing’s deeper and Yixing remains entirely still, unmoving as Yifan’s head bows down even closer to him. Yixing holds his breath until it burns in his lungs. The moment Yixing exhales, Yifan’s tongue flicks out to lick at the side of Yixing’s muzzle. It’s an unmistakably affectionate gesture, one that leaves him confused and dazed as Yifan moves away from him, heading towards where the rest of the pack are.

Just like that, the soft blush on Yixing’s flesh returns, and all he can do is collect his clothes up from where Yifan had put them and scurry towards his own den. There, he shifts into his human form and presses his fingers to his cheeks. His heart is hammering, his neck, face, and ears are all warm with blood.

Yixing doesn’t know what to make of the gesture, but his brain places it as an equivalent to a kiss on his cheek.

In an attempt to suppress any kind of misplaced fluttering within him, Yixing takes in breaths that fill his lungs and closes his eyes. He forces thoughts of where he comes from into his mind. He knows he needs to remind himself of his duty. The duty that should come before every fleeting feeling.

He thinks of his parents, Huaijun, and his pack. Their faces and words fill his head, reminding him of where he should be and where he belongs. Even if life isn’t as idyllic as what it seems in Yifan’s pack, it’s where Yixing’s been primed to be. He should not seek any happiness here, not when he knows it is not his for the taking.

 

_xiii._

 

Yifan doesn’t come to get Yixing to go on a morning walk together over the next couple of days. Yixing tries not to overthink it, to overcomplicate it in his head until it’s no longer what it was. A small voice in his head tells him that this is what he should have expected from the very first moment. Any sign of joy does not remain for him. Keeping his expectations and his mood low negate any possibility of life hurting more than it does.

Yixing’s fully prepared to forget the whole morning and Yifan’s gesture which seems to be such a throwaway one with how discarded Yixing feels. There is nothing that Yifan owes him. He is a guest there. He is not Yifan’s pack member. And, he is certainly not Yifan’s mate. Then, Sehun comes to him one afternoon, when Yixing’s kept himself secluded in his den, plonking himself down beside Yixing.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?”

Despite both of them being aware that Yixing is very unlikely to have many, if any at all, Sehun is still polite enough to ask the question. Yixing shakes his head, sitting up from where he’s been laid down.

“Are you moping because Yifan’s been busy?” Yixing doesn’t dignify Sehun’s question with an answer, rubbing the side of his face with his open palm. “Well, if you didn’t know, one of the omegas has been birthing their pups and he always helps with that. They are nursing healthily now, so he’s back out in the camp area, if you want to come out?”

Yixing stretches, reaching upwards, and he clicks his spine and his fingers whilst doing so. Sehun nudges him and the look Yixing gives him is flat, unamused. The smile Sehun gives him is one of cheekiness, boyish on his face, reminding Yixing of how Yifan’s face also shifts whenever a grin splits his mouth apart. Yixing drops his gaze and twiddles his fingers, hating how his mind creates that link. It’s only been a couple of weeks in Yifan’s presence and he’s already skewing the focus of Yixing’s brain.

Instead of actually getting up, Yixing flops back down onto the furs that make up his bedding, huffing out. Sehun doesn’t let him stay there for long, though. He grabs onto his wrist and drags Yixing up until he has no choice but to go along with it, standing upright unsteadily.

“You may not want to go out, but Yifan wants to see you.” Sehun raises his eyebrows momentarily. “He was asking after you when he emerged from the birthing den.”

Not a single emotion passes across Yixing’s face. Sehun is looking for one, it’s clear, but he doesn’t let the small voice in his head take over and plant the seed of expectation. He suspects that Yixing’s words are an over-exaggeration, simply to get some kind of rise out of Yixing. Though, Yixing can’t even imagine why he’d have those kinds of thoughts, especially when Yixing clearly bears the mark of another alpha. He doesn’t question Sehun on it, either, knowing that’ll simply be another reaction Sehun would thrive on.

Yixing gets dragged out into the sunlight, blinking rapidly whilst his eyes adjust to the afternoon’s brightness, and is enveloped by the lanky arms of Chanyeol, who is practically talking Yixing’s ear off about the hunt he went on with Jongin. Sehun gushes on his other side in each pause Chanyeol takes, reassuring Yixing of how proud he is of both his mates and their hunting endeavours.

While they do it to strike up conversation, Yixing’s brain disconnects.

There’s an ache in his chest whenever he sees the three mates altogether, or even just hears them talk about each other. He’s never going to have that with Huaijun. Yixing doesn’t even know what Huaijun is best at hunting, nor does Huaijun know anything much about Yixing to speak excitedly about. The love they share is awe-inspiring. Or, at least, it would be if it didn’t make Yixing feel so inadequate.

He knows that response is selfish. Jongin, Sehun and Chanyeol mated for love, to forge a deep emotional connection that will guide them through life together. Yixing and Huaijun mated because that’s what was always supposed to be, it was to give their pack security for the future.

But Yixing cannot even fulfil that. He cannot secure the future for his own pack without providing an heir of some kind for it.

Just thinking of it has him mourning the loss of something that’s never been in reach for him. Grieving the absence of love and a child, joining the hollow tyranny of aching loss he’s felt ever since his grandmother moved into the spirit realm. Each time his thoughts stray to what he cannot have, Yixing’s world spirals downwards. The world drenches itself in grey, the golden rays of the sun failing to penetrate the greyscale he sees.

The only moment colour seeps back in, it’s black with wisps at the tips of ears.

Yifan’s wolf sidles up beside him and nudges against his hand, asking for attention and Yixing gives it to him, if only half-heartedly.

The light Yifan’s pack and the man himself bring is not enough, as currently presented, to make much of a dent in the dull world that swallows Yixing whole. The lapses where light and colour floods in are gone the moment Yixing remembers himself, like a flower left pressed between two objects. The colour is still there, but it’s faint, translucent, and fragile enough to wither between two fingers the moment they meet.

Yifan shifts back into his human form whilst Yixing’s consumed by his own thoughts again, dressed in clothes and holding one of the new pups.

Yixing’s offered to carry it and he hesitates before taking it.

The baby is in its wolf form, curled up in a tiny ball in Yifan’s arms and then in Yixing’s. It barely twitches when Yixing touches it and Yixing’s entire heart swells up, so full of want and love for the creature in his arms. Something primal within him wants this pup for himself, to be something he can cherish and adore. He wants his own. He broods and longs for it so much that everything else numbs him. The little pup is everything.

Before he can be enthralled for too long, and before the tears begin to form, Yixing hands it back and turns away.

Sehun is the next one to hold it whilst Yixing backs away, muttering an excuse about getting some water to quench his thirst. Yixing can sense Yifan following him as he goes to where some of the boiled water is cooling in a waterskin in a shaded pit off the side of the camp. Yixing takes four long gulps before offering it to Yifan. He declines and Yixing replaces the container on the floor.

“How have you been?” Yifan steps around Yixing and leans on the tree in front of them, his calm demeanour countering the keen interest in his eyes.

 _I’m mated,_ Yixing wishes he’d hear himself say aloud. But something stills his tongue. Most likely the part of him that wants Yifan’s attention and wants to see intrigue in Yifan’s eyes.

“Tired,” Yixing lies, unsure of how to articulate the sensation he feels inside himself whenever he’s left with his own thoughts for too long.

“I thought so. Everyone said you’d spent most of the last few days in your den. Is everything okay?”

 _Is it ever?_ Yixing wonders, but all he does is shrug.

“Well, I’m here to keep you from hiding yourself away to sleep, again.” Yifan speaks with such familiarity with Yixing that he knows it should bring him discomfort, with how long they’ve actually known each other. But, Yixing likes it. He enjoys the way Yifan smiles at him, the way he gives him his undivided attention, and just the way Yifan isn’t afraid to acknowledge that Yixing’s there at all. He’s no longer invisible under Yifan’s gaze.

“How are the pups?” Yixing whispers, looking behind him to see how Sehun and Jongin look at Chanyeol, who is holding the pup, with the fondest expressions. It leaves the want to vomit in Yixing’s stomach.

“Healthy. Four betas and one omega!” Yifan sounds genuinely delighted at the mere mention of the young ones. Yixing wishes he had that freedom. Rather than being bound up in envy that’s so ugly and unconfined that Yixing feels guilty for even feeling it at all. “They’ll be spoilt by the whole pack, that’s for sure. Pups always get preferential treatment. Everyone will be protective, too, which is why I wanted you to hold the omega, to get your scent and presence on her. I don’t want anyone to think you’re a threat if you go near them, especially the omega. Everyone’s sensitive when it comes to them, you know, with Sehun and Chanyeol.”

The way Yixing looks at Yifan says more than words ever can, as Yifan’s expression falls.

“I guess you’d know better than anyone what happened with Sehun and Chanyeol.”

Yixing looks down at his own feet, fingers joining his hands in front of him, shrugging slightly. There’s an atmosphere where Yixing knows Yifan was to say, or ask, more about it, but he holds himself back. Yixing’s glad for that, unsure of how he would navigate it, should Yifan want to discuss his past.

It’s not like Yixing can hide from the subject, either, as he’s burdened with the scarred stripes across his back that rise and fall like the peaks and troughs of a sandy desert. Whilst Sehun and Chanyeol’s scars lay hidden beneath the surface, Yixing wears the punishments for his insolence and training for his obedience in welts that span his entire back. There is no running from his past, even if it’s not completely in view for him. It’s a cross he has to carry, one that will weigh him down until his spirit is freed from his body to pass onto the next realm.

Sehun and Chanyeol always claim you had it worse because you protected them,” is what Yifan settles with, not venturing too deeply but saying what he presents as integral.

“It’s nothing I wouldn’t do again,” Yixing returns with, cutting the conversation there.

Yifan takes the cue and sighs in place of speaking, pushing himself off and away from the tree on which he was leant. He reaches out and places his hands on Yixing’s shoulders, drawing him in closer until Yifan can wrap his arms around him. Struck still once more by Yifan’s actions, Yixing cannot think of any way for his body to react without his brain clearing of all coherent thought.

The moment of shock and surprise is eased when someone else joins in, the long arms of Chanyeol reaching around Yixing to hold him where the pup had been. Sehun circles to get his arms around Yixing, too, as does Jongin.

There’s no great moment of sadness or joy that triggered it, Yixing thinks. He is dazed by the idea of this being someone’s immediate reaction to the blunted tip of his words. Still, he relishes in the contact and closeness of others, not needing to wait long before he relaxes towards Yifan’s chest. There, he rests his forehead and closes his eyes, holding himself together as other pack members join in their surrounding of Yixing.

It feels so abstract and new to have a collective fussing of one person in the pack and Yixing supposes that this is _their_ way of providing comfort.

 _There’s safety in numbers,_ Yixing’s brain tells him. With his heart muttering a few moments later, _there is safety with this alpha._

Yixing doesn’t even have to acknowledge the voice to know it’s right, but he still chooses to ignore it. He simply cannot indulge. He has his duties. He has his mate. He should not be seeking solace elsewhere. He should be finding it within himself to keep himself obedient, just the way Huaijun and his pack likes him. Not breathing deeply in as a gentle, discreet kiss is pressed to his hair.

He escapes again once he’s freed from the pack, trying to understand and rationalise Yifan’s actions over and over. Nevertheless, he can’t. It’s a cycle of doubt, hope, then shattering that hope with the reality of it all. He doesn’t want to be stuck looping through it but it’s all he has to do. No one comes to find him, probably thinking he needs his own time and space after remembering aspects of his childhood.

However, Yixing’s spent enough time in solitude with himself that he knows of his past and has reconciled with it.

It’s the unpicking and rewiring Yifan and his pack are doing by presenting an alternative Yixing will never truly have that crumples him up inside. He knows they are ruining him, that they are rotting away the pillars that have held Yixing up for so long, and he doesn’t want to resent them for it. He doesn’t want to free himself up to happiness because it’ll only be more painful to lose it again.

Yixing asks Chang’e for guidance, begging for her and her rabbit companion to show him a way or give him a sign. That’s all he wishes for as he ignores the calls for dinner in favour of curling his body up to protect his aching heart.

  

_xiv._

 

Yixing dreams in vivid images. He rarely dreams at all, if only to have nightmares that wake him in a cold sweat and fatigued with panic. Still, the visions he has in his sleep are so real and immersive that he hardly recognises that he’s dreaming. Each moment that passes feels drenched in reality. Sometimes his grandmother is still alive, arms as wide as her smile, and Yixing runs to her. Those are the dreams he cherishes the most. He reckons it’s her reaching out to him from the spirit realm, trying to erase the memory of her regretful apology she spoke upon her deathbed.

Nevertheless, this dream, it transcends the normal. There’s a haze around the edges of it, misting the sides of Yixing’s vision in a white glow like the blurred light of the moon. He’s not in the forest anymore. Instead, he stands on a plain of grass and craggy rocks which expands outwards until the dark night swallows everything beyond the horizon. The stars beam down on him, swirling the skies with blues, yellows, and the faintest of reds. The lack of a moon does not go amiss, as Yixing scans his surroundings. It’s a breath-taking sight. Though, Yixing’s not transfixed by it.

He’s mesmerised by a woman, stood off in the distance with an ornate robe hung from her that sways in a gentle breeze. Her hair flows around her at great length, even though it is tied up. Leaping in small jumps at her feet is a small rabbit, a pearly grey that emits a light – or reflects it, Yixing’s unsure.

However, he is certain of who it is.

He takes a shaky step towards her, taking no care to mute his steps until she is within reaching distance. He does not touch her. He stands, struck with awe and fear at the image of the goddess.

There is nothing more for him to do but stare as she turns, eyes and mouth casting a kind expression upon him. The rabbit stills around her feet and twitches its nose cutely.

 _“Chang’e,”_ Yixing’s voice sobs. It feels separate from himself, like he is not really the one speaking them.

“Child of the moon,” she hums, lyrical and carried so wonderfully by the silent world around them, “you have called me to you. What do you need of me?”

“Guide me, guide me, guide me,” he begs, body trembling and wishing to touch her to seek comfort. The moon is loving of the people who pray to her and Yixing has never strayed from belief in her, even if she has not once responded to his callings before. Yet, to be blessed by her presence in his sleep, Yixing cannot deny his wish to be embraced by her benevolence. “I’m miserable.”

She sighs deeply and steps back from him, leaving the rabbit of the moon to investigate Yixing.

“My child, I know, I see it each moment from my realm in the skies.” The way she speaks strums a new chord in Yixing’s heart in a song that imbues hope. “It is not my role to show you the path you must follow. I can only give you the tools to carve your own route through your life. Each feeling and action you take is guided by my hands. Each word unspoken and each word uttered is heard by my ears. Your fear and silence have been gifted upon you, as have your experiences.”

Her eyes blink with the colour of the moon in the sky, reflecting the starlight and beaming down on Yixing’s skin. Yet, even standing in the radiance of her being, Yixing does not understand how his innermost pains have been bestowed upon him as some form of _gift._ The scars upon his back are not trophies to him, they are fault lines that tear up the skin of his back.

“I sense your confusion, child. Each passing moment in life has to be equalised in order to maintain balance.”

She bends to the floor holds her hand over the ground, sprouting fresh, green life around her fingers.

“For each moment of life,” she removes her hand and the plants wither to dust, “there must be a moment of death. Child, for each person who receives triumph, another must receive suffering.”

“I am the one who receives the suffering? With no good to balance it out?”

“Why do you think I have brought you to where you are?”

There are no tears in Yixing’s eyes, only the haze, but he knows he’s crying. There’s the warmth of his own tears on his cheeks, fingers twitching at his sides in want to wipe them away but Chang’e has his full attention as she looks upon him.

“You want me to be happy here?” Wind blows straight across Yixing’s skin, driving a shiver down his spine that covers his body in goose flesh.

“I wish for you to find your own way, whether that is what makes you happy or whether that is to maintain consistency. No matter what you decide, I shall watch over you and correct the world in conjunction with your choices.”

She reaches out towards Yixing, the rabbit bouncing back to her side until it curls into her dress, blinking up at Yixing. He drifts a glance down to her hand, then back up to her eyes.

He hesitates.

“Take my hand and choose the path of what is _right.”_

Her words, in the way they coast through the air and into Yixing’s chest, soothe him. Within a moment, he brings his fingers to touch hers.

 

_xv._

 

The dream ending jerks Yixing awake, gasping for a breath and jolting him awake. He crawls away from his furs and out into the camp, he sits around where the ashes of the fire are circled with stones that help to contain the flames. His knees are folded up beneath him, his fingers touch over the ashes and he rubs it between them, smoothing it between his skin.

“What are you doing awake?” Yifan’s voice calls in the darkness, startling Yixing somewhat.

“A dream.” Yixing turns his head to watch Yifan approach until the alpha’s sat down beside him.

“Was it a nightmare?” Yifan asks, his hand coming to the back of Yixing’s neck and massaging his thumb against it gently.

Yixing doesn’t quite know what the dream was, whether or not it would count as a dream at all, but he doesn’t know how else to describe it. Yifan doesn’t push, like always, and still he remains posed to listen should Yixing speak.

“Why didn’t you go back to sleep, hmm?”

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Yixing weaves his hands together and places them on his lap, bound up.

“I’m a light sleeper, most things wake me up,” Yifan shrugs slightly. “Why don’t you try to get some? You should rest up, it’ll be a long time before dawn even breaks.”

“I don’t know,” Yixing sighs out with a mumbled tone. “I’m not sure I’ll even be able to sleep.”

“Was the dream that terrible?” Yifan’s countenance screams concern, the edges of his lips drawing his mouth into a straight line. “I guess you don’t want to be alone…”

Being alone has never particularly bothered Yixing, given how much of his life is immersed in solitude and left barren of much of the contact a social animal, like wolves and human, probably need. However, he guesses that Yifan’s right. Being alone in the shelter is another matter, where Yixing’s bedside is empty and there’s no one to turn to. Out in the camp, there’s the option to crawl into Sehun, Chanyeol and Jongin’s den and curl up with them. The last few weeks have shown him that they’d always welcome him, if he needed it.

Yifan’s right and for the first time, Yixing isn’t too afraid to admit it to someone: “I don’t like being alone.”

“Why don’t you come into my den? At least until you start getting tired, then you don’t have to be alone and you’re not cramped up in that makeshift shelter we made for you.”

Without even thinking, Yixing stands up in tandem with Yifan and follows just behind him until they come to the opening of Yifan’s den. It’s far more lived-in, spacious, and homely. There are clothes neatly folded up in the corner, beside some other trinkets and what presents itself, to Yixing, as some ceremonial weaponry. There are furs and woven blankets, bundled up in a way that shows Yixing just how Yifan got out of his bed when he woke up, alongside a waterskin and some caked dried fish.

“You get onto the bedding, get yourself comfortable and I’ll leave a small sacrifice for the moon goddess.”

“You leave sacrifices for her?” Yixing tilts his head, surprised.

His pack do nothing of the sort, they simply offer their words to the goddess in times of need in the hopes she shall respond.

“It’s less about the goddess herself. Rather, it focuses on her other children that roam the earth whilst we do. To sustain ourselves, we take from what she provides, and thus we must equally sustain what she provides. If we kill the fish and the deer, we kill what keeps other animals and our prey alive, and our sacrifices aim to replenish if only part of the goddess’ world. It’s a cycle.”

“Balance,” Yixing whispers to himself, struck by the precision in which Yifan’s words echo the goddess.

“Exactly,” Yifan confirms, crouching down to pick up the small salmon cake from the floor. “You must only reap what you sow, otherwise you take what you do not deserve.”

“And what about if what you sow is not available for you to reap?”

Yifan stands, frozen as he thinks, “I believe the goddess always finds a way to bring us reward for the good we do. I’ll be back in a moment, let me take this outside.”

Yixing shuffles towards Yifan’s bed and settles upon it, revelling in the warmth that Yifan’s left trapped by the materials and in how much comfort that gives him. In a pouch, at the side of Yifan’s bed, Yixing sees some things, small and white. He peaks in, mouth widening when he sees teeth, the full set of a child. Yixing pauses, searching through his memories for one night in particular, and he sighs softly. Yifan’s milk teeth, ready and waiting to be given to his mate. Hesitantly, Yixing lays himself down, looking up at the covering of the shelter when Yifan returns, empty handed.

“I hope you’ve managed to get cosy,” Yifan greets gently, smiling at how Yixing’s curled himself up, and Yixing wonders if Yifan would like to return to someone in his den each night. Someone to bestow his mating gift to. “The full moon passed a few days ago, so I think the temperature is going to keep dropping tonight. Summer’s starting to come to a close.”

“The full moon passed?” Yixing mutters, drawn back from thoughts about Yifan’s potential mate, to ones of his own.

Huaijun still hasn’t come for him, nor has anyone else found him. He has not heard the howls of his own packmates, not even at the very limit of his hearing, and it bothers Yixing. He had expected, if only out of duty, that his mate or pack would come to retrieve him. They do not know if he is dead or alive, simply missing from their dens and territory.

“Yes, we weren’t able to celebrate it properly, as the pups were born, and we are holding a pack bonding rite in a few nights time. It didn’t seem right for the pack to host our full moon gathering in such close proximity to it.”

Yifan takes a drink before sitting down on the ground beside the bed, Yixing turns onto his side to look at him, and Yifan simply smiles down at Yixing with his mouth closed.

“I dreamt of her.” The confession eases from his lips with little difficulty, capturing Yifan’s rapt attention instantly. “The goddess came to me in a dream to speak with me?”

“You saw the goddess? You must be a devout follower of hers to be granted with such a perfect vision.”

“My pack communicates with her through prayers and wishes. Like you believe in her balance in the natural world, we believe in equal exchange between the goddess and her subjects.”

“She comes you and your packmates often?” Yifan sits, aghast.

“No, she doesn’t. I have only seen her this once and I am not aware that she has directly contacted anyone in my pack before, she speaks to us in the success of our actions.”

“It truly is not a surprise that you reacted as such to your dream, then. It was as if you’d seen a spirit in the night.” There’s a pause and Yifan laughs slightly, “I guess you did see a spirit. Of sorts, at least.”

“She was beautiful, surrounded by stars and the moon’s rabbit was at her side, too.”

“What did you ask of her for her to come to you?”

“I needed direction. I needed guidance. I looked to her and took her hand.”

“Did you find your answers?” Yifan asks in a voice that signals intrigue.

Yixing lets silence fall, hardly knowing the answer to that question himself. Still, he’d prefer Yifan to not be burdened with worry, such as his answer of, “I think so,” indicates.

“That’s good. Now, it’s time for you to try and get some sleep. Your rest is important.”

“And, where will you sleep?”

Yifan stretches himself out, filling Yixing with the thought that he would be sleeping on the floor as he is, but instead of remaining still, Yifan gets up onto his knees.

“I sleep as a wolf, most nights. Don’t worry about whether or not I’ll be comfortable, my wolf is happy to sleep anywhere.”

Yixing hesitates. “Only if you’re sure.”

“Of course.” Yifan smiles at him, leaning forward just enough that his nose skims over Yixing’s hair. He kisses the top of Yixing’s head, softly caressing Yixing’s cheek with his thumb before pulling back. In a slight panic, instead of remaining frozen in place, Yixing quickly turns over and holds his breath in his body. He can hear Yifan undressing and the muted sound of shifting bones as he morphs into his wolf.

Yixing is certain Yifan can hear the way his heart hammers away in his chest, as if beating upon his sternum in hopes to escape.

“Goodnight,” Yixing murmurs and Yifan whines to reply.

He struggles to get to sleep, mind whirring with thoughts of Yifan and the goddess’ words with such loudness that it’s impossible to ignore. There is no calming of his heart, not with Yifan so close and sleep so far.

When he tires himself out, tossing and turning, Yixing falls into a sleep devoid of dreams. His skin is layered with sweat and his hair is matted to his head. Yifan’s furs are thicker, more luxurious, than the ones in Yixing’s den, and he guesses that’s because Yifan’s the alpha, the one who can catch the prey with the prime skins. Yifan’s not around, either, when Yixing finally sits up and glances around. The sky is bright outside of the den, Yixing can see that clearly in the way sunlight slices through in a prominent line across the floor.

Chanyeol is the one to get Yixing, tugging him up to his feet and pressing their foreheads together for a while. Intimacy and touching are an important thing to Chanyeol, even at the omega pack, and Yixing has discovered that these loving touches from Chanyeol can be equally as soothing to him as they are to Chanyeol. Sehun splits them up when he enters the den, grumbling about how Chanyeol always takes too long to wake people, but he scolds with a small smile on his lips.

Sehun and Chanyeol, along with Jongin, are always delighted to be together. Even when they’re close to having an argument, Yixing can sense the love there between them, and they usually are able to talk through most things without even raising their voices. That’s a common fact around the whole pack, Yixing has discovered. Tempers hardly flare. Even when they do, Yifan’s there to quell any dissatisfaction.

Yixing closes his eyes and thanks the goddess he was brought to these people. Although, he is a bystander for the most part, being privy to the delight of others is something Yixing rarely has had access to in his life. He’s grateful that he has even been able to witness what true happiness can be. Even if he may never truly feel such a thing himself.

 

_xvi._

 

Yixing avoids Sehun for a few days and draws, if possible, slightly closer to Yifan. In fact, Yixing seeks refuge in Yifan’s den. Somewhere he’s learnt that he is always welcome to be, without the air and exclusivity his own pack would place on the den of the alpha. Yixing’s granted permission, having been plagued by a bout of sleeplessness that followed his dream with Chang’e. Only Yifan knows of Yixing’s vision and it makes sense for Yixing to seek refuge there. His mind cannot work out where he is being guided by Chang’e, but he suspects it has everything to do with Yifan.

Still, when Sehun’s poised to ask questions, Yixing hides himself away or busies himself with cleaning the furs from Yifan’s bed.

Whilst he and Yifan do not speak all too much, they orbit around one another like planets spinning endlessly in a universe. It’s comfortable and Yixing hopes, deep down within himself, that he can remain like this forever.

Though, he cannot run forever.

The pack is only so big and Yixing’s much to scared of himself to stray too far out into the wider territory, Sehun only has to wait five nights before he finds Yixing sat beside the fire, observing the way Yifan, Jongin, and Chanyeol interact with one another. It’s heart-warming for Yixing to see Chanyeol so light and cared for, and he guesses this is a sort of balance for his own pain. Chanyeol’s joy, his happiness and sense of worth is everything Yixing has ever wished for the younger omega to have.

Sehun takes his seat beside Yixing, looking at him for a moment before catching his attention fully. Yixing doesn’t move but wishes he could shy away.

“So, what do you think of my cousin?”

“Yifan?” Yixing tilts his head.

“He is the only cousin I have here, so yes.” Sehun’s smiling, teasing Yixing, but Yixing wrings his hands together in a bout of nervousness.

“He’s good. Kind.”

Sehun raises his eyebrow, “Is that all? Most say he’s pretty handsome.”

“Isn’t that a given?” Yixing asks, bowing his head.

“It is, to most. But you’ve never said anything about it.”

“I’m mated, Sehun.” Yixing murmurs, turning to look away.

Doing so was a mistake, as Yixing’s eyes fall upon Yifan, sat between Chanyeol and Jongin with a smile so wide his gums show.

“But you do find him attractive, right?”

 _“Sehun,”_ Yixing warns, closing his eyes.

“It’s okay, Yixing, you’re allowed to feel things. You can be attracted to more than one person at a time, look at me, Chanyeol and Jongin, aren’t we examples of that?”

“It isn’t the same, Sehun. I have... I have a mate in my own pack.”

“Yixing, he hasn’t even come to find you and it’s been _weeks..._ If Chanyeol or Jongin disappeared, I’d tear this whole forest down to find them.” The inner corners of Yixing’s eyes begin to sting with tears, hating how Sehun voices everything that’s been creeping around in Yixing’s head for a while. Huaijun hasn’t come looking for him. No one has. “It’s okay if you do like Yifan. Please know that, Yixing. It’s okay to want more for yourself.”

“Sehun,” Yixing’s lips start to wobble and quiver as he speaks, “please don’t make a mockery of the bond I have with my mate. It might not be the same as the one you have with your mates, but I have a duty to him, to my pack—"

“No, Yixing, you have a duty to yourself, to your own wellbeing. You’ve been staying in Yifan’s den, have you not? Don’t you think that’s a sign of something? Don’t you think you deserve to be loved and cared for?”

“Not everything is that black and white. Could you imagine trying to stay away from Jongin or Chanyeol?”

“That’s different, we actually love each other.”

Yixing sits, staring at Sehun aghast, whimpering. “Some of us don’t have the privilege in life to mate for love, Sehun. Some of us have other duties that come way ahead of love.”

“Is everything okay?” A new voice chimes in and Yixing jolts in his seat, looking up at Yifan as he approaches with concern etched over his features. “I can sense some distress coming from both of you.”

“It’s nothing,” Sehun dismisses. “Just a matter of differing opinion.”

Yifan doesn’t say anything but looks between the two, taking a couple of moments to decide if he believes what Sehun says. When he concludes that it’s nothing too big, he holds his hand out to Yixing and steps towards him.

“Why don’t we go for a walk, Yixing? It might help calm things down a little. Sehun, go for a swim, cool off, it was hot today.”

Yixing hesitates before accepting Yifan’s hand, using it to lift himself up from the ground and he lets go as soon as he’s firmly on his own feet. With the hand that Yixing released, Yifan gestures towards a trodden pathway that leads away from the dens and into the forest. Yixing steps off first and Yifan follows closely behind.

For the first ten minutes or so, silence remains between them as Yixing leads them in no particular direction, just walking around to help calm the nerves that Sehun helped uncover.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yifan questions as they come to a stop in a dense patch of trees.

Yixing shrugs, looking down at where his feet fit between the lifted roots one of the trees’ growth has pushed up and out from the ground.

“Sehun was asking somethings about my mate and I was defensive, it’s nothing, really.” Yixing sighs, “Sehun and I have different values, I guess, and it showed in that conversation. It’ll be fine the next time I see him.”

“But will you be _‘fine’,_ Yixing?” Yifan’s voice is soft, his fingers coming to wrap around Yixing’s wrist in a light, gentle hold. “That’s what my concern is here. I know you and Sehun will be okay, there are things about you and him – and Chanyeol – that few people will ever understand, and I know you love each other like brothers. Brothers fight. But I want to know about you, about whether or not you’ll be okay. I don’t want you to fight with yourself, because the only person who gets hurt then, is you.”

As true as the words Yifan speaks are, Yixing continues to look down, his tears returning afresh in his eyes.

“Talk to me, tell me about you and what’s happening to you.” Yifan steps around and lifts Yixing’s chin up with the knuckle of his crooked index finger. “If you miss your mate and you want to go home, tell me and I can take you home.”

Yixing looks up into Yifan’s eyes, seeing the sincerity and stark honesty that lies there. It’s hard to move his eyes away once his gaze has been caught, enraptured by the way Yifan reveals his emotions so plainly in a way that should be vulnerable but, instead, exudes strength. The palpitation in Yixing’s chest, fluttering straight from his heart and into the pool of affection in Yixing’s stomach should be warning enough on its own.

“Maybe...” Yixing’s voice cracks and breaks, “Maybe I don’t want to go home.”

It’s with such ease that Yixing can see how his words surprise Yifan. Yixing knows those words would surprise anyone. A wolf wants to be with its mate. A wolf wants to be in its own territory. A wolf wants to be settled within its own pack. But, Yixing, he knows there’s a part of him that would break going back to Huaijun’s pack.

“Sehun knows some things about my life. Not everything, but enough. He said some things about me, about my mate, that we both know is true...”

“But it’s just difficult to hear from someone else?” Yifan provides, which Yixing agrees with. “Sometimes Sehun doesn’t realise when his words are doing more damage than good. He’s still finding his voice, since coming here from where you were both raised, and he struggles to find a balance between listening and pushing.”

“Having someone else say what you’ve been trying to ignore only makes ignoring it harder. I don’t want to leave here but I also don’t want to face up to what I have, essentially, been running away from by being here.”

“Not every problem needs to be faced, sometimes you can simply hide away from it to keep yourself sane. You wouldn’t try to brave a snowstorm without building a snow cave to wait it out in.”

“But you’d still have to wade your way through the aftermath,” Yixing counters, the response ready on his tongue.

“True, but you’d be prepared for that. Hiding away can help you prepare for the inevitable, rather than leave you open to elements you’d have to weather, unprepared and more likely to fail. Yixing, let my pack be your snow cave. You don’t have to worry about the world outside whilst you’re here. No matter what snow storm is going on at home, we can be what helps you prepare to face up to it. We can be what protects you from it until you’re ready.”

Yixing doesn’t know what to say, but Yifan’s hand slips down from Yixing’s wrist to entwine their fingers together. Time moves slowly when Yifan does that, the heat of the night making Yifan’s hand even warmer than the world around them.

“You can talk to me about your problems, Yixing. I just want to help you be happy. Tell me what makes you unhappy, Yixing, and we can fix it.”

Silence fills the space between them whilst Yixing finds the words, searching for them as best as he can before he admits something to himself, he never thought he’d have to:

“Everything makes me unhappy, Yifan.”

Yifan’s entire expression shifts until it is crestfallen, brought down by the weight of Yixing’s admittance of misery.

“What about your family? Your mate? They make you unhappy, too?”

Yixing nods his head, tears flowing freely from his eyes until they’re caught by one of Yifan’s thumbs that moves to wipe them away.

“I’m miserable. I don’t know how to live a life of my own. I put all my happiness into pleasing my mate and my pack and I fail at that no matter how hard I try.” Words choke up in Yixing’s throat as he begins to sob, hiccupping sounds strangling them until they’re totally caught there. “I’m no use to anyone. Especially my mate.”

“I’m sure he cares for you, Yixing.”

“He’s not even come to look for me, doesn’t that say something to you? I hardly exist to the point where it’s probably no hardship for them to think me dead than make any attempt to find me.”

Yifan doesn’t use futile words to calm Yixing down, he listens to the words he speaks and makes effort to show Yixing that he’s there, by his side. There’s nothing smothering about his presence, nor is there too much distance to make it feel insincere. Yixing can feel it within him that this is what an alpha should be like, that they play as big of a role in emotional comfort as an omega or beta does.

As if he can calculate the right time perfectly, Yifan sends out a probing question, delivered softly to not make Yixing cry again.

“How did it get like this for you?”

Yixing bows his head down, finally able to break eye contact with Yifan as he thinks about Huaijun, about how the last few years have been for him in his pack.

“I was fifteen when I was called back to my home with news that my grandmother was dying. She meant the world to me, as a child and even now, because she was the only person who didn’t want me to be different. She didn’t want me to be like this, to be like how you found me. She wanted to be Yixing, to be her little Yixing. But, when she died, everything happened so fast. I was fifteen and within days of my grandmother dying, the mating ritual started...”

Yifan’s hand disappears from where it is on his cheek and reappears on Yixing’s neck, where one of the incisor marks Huaijun left on him is, “He did this to you when you were fifteen...?”

“We didn’t complete the bond, you know, physically because I was so young. But the binding ritual my pack does, the one where you’re bitten... It hurt so much, I know it did, and I thought that would be the most painful part. I thought that if I could make him and everyone happy, I’d never feel that kind of pain again.”

“But you did?” Yifan whispers, drawing Yixing in closer.

Yixing gives a tentative nod, quieting Yifan again. He knows Yifan is giving him time to formulate a reply, or to not give any at all. There is no pressure for Yixing to speak, he can feel it in the way Yifan rubs his thumb against the back of Yixing’s hand. But, Yixing wants to talk about it. He wants to be told that it’s not normal to be numbed to life, to accept pain when it’s dealt to him like he deserves it. He wants someone to tell him that he’s worth more. He wants Yifan to be the person to say it, too.

“I stopped existing to the pack, to my mate, very quickly after we bonded. My parents faded into the background, too, and I don’t blame them. It’s just how things are in my pack –you get over things quickly because it’s the best way to survive; they’d learnt how to survive without me after I was sent away and they didn’t need to adjust to me being back. That doesn’t hurt because I can _understand_ that. I know how that works, that’s how I was raised. But I just didn’t seem to exist to anyone.

“The only use I had to Huaijun, to anyone, was when I grew older and he wanted to mate, to have children. And that’s all I became, that’s all I’m convinced that I am, some husk to grow a baby inside. And...”

Yixing takes a moment, even more tears spilling from him like droplets of a rain shower, and Yifan moves closer until the fabric of their clothes starts to brush together just faintly. 

“And I can’t even do that,” Yixing finally whispers. “My body is cursed to never bear a child, I’m sure of it. No matter how hard I’ve tried for _years,_ nothing has happened. There’s no baby, there’s no hope for one, and that means there’s no reason for my existence. I can’t to the one thing I was primed to do, I can’t do _anything_ right.”

A quiet whine leaves Yifan’s throat, one of involuntary ache at the words Yixing speaks and Yixing’s drawn into the alpha’s arms. There, he sobs freely, not caring if he bawls into the clothed arm of Yifan’s body, because this is what he needed. He needed to air his thoughts, to tell his tale, and Yixing gets a sense that this is what Yifan meant by calling his pack a snow cave. It’s realising there is a storm, it’s realising that you do need to take refuge, and it’s feeling safe from everything raging inside of him.

He’s glad that Yifan isn’t whispering empty promises of _“everything’s going to be okay,”_ in his ears because they’re both aware that the future holds so many unknowns. It’s unspoken but they’re both aware that promises of a perfect life are the last thing Yixing needs. They’d break any hope built up within Yixing and cause yet more pain.

“Do you want to walk back now or stay out for a little longer?” Yifan asks with his breath hitting Yixing’s ear with a wet warmth.

Yixing shakes his head, nuzzling in deeper into Yifan’s shoulder. Even if the night is warm and Yixing’s skin is already clammy, being close with Yifan diffuses warmth within Yixing until it spreads throughout Yixing. It’s pleasant comfort, even if his temples are beginning to sweat.

“Why don’t we walk a little more? Just enjoy the summer and how quiet it is away from the rest of the pack.”

Yixing doesn’t ever need encouraging into seeking solitude, so he steps back away from Yifan and lets him lead the way this time. He follows close behind, one of their hands still entwined between their bodies, and the heat still slicking Yixing’s skin with sweat. It’s none too difficult to keep up with Yifan as he halves his strides to leave barely any room between them.

They keep going until the forest thickens into dense bush that Yifan has to help Yixing wade through, until Yixing senses them leave Yifan’s territory and step closer to what Yixing’s sure is running water. Uncertain of how safe he is in unprotected territory, Yixing wraps one hand around the crook of Yifan’s arm.

“I’ll keep you safe, Yixing. Do not fear anything in this land when I’m with you.”

Even if the words are supposed to soothe, they do not. Anxiety still grips Yixing hard until they emerge at a small waterfall. The water lands in a pool of bluish wonder, small but deep looking. Yifan releases Yixing and strips his clothing off, instantly taking off to enter the water until he submerges himself to reappear at the surface with wetted hair.

Yixing watches with blood rushing to his cheeks to colour them, taken aback by the sight of Yifan’s confident, bare body. He is less eager to undress, waiting for Yifan to holler his name. Even then, Yixing’s fingers tremble as he removes the animal hides from his body. He knows he is a little scrawnier than most others in Yifan’s pack, and he bears the mark of multiple punishments of his childhood – and of his mate.

Yifan doesn’t take his eyes from Yixing as the cloths are pulled away from Yixing’s skin, he simply lowers half his face below the water line and peeks up at Yixing from there. It would be comical if Yixing didn’t have each and every nerve on end.

He tries to rush entering into the water, stumbling slightly on his own feet before he manages to dip himself into the pool and swim towards Yifan. There’s no floor for Yixing to put his feet on, so he kicks to keep himself buoyant until Yifan moves his body for him, getting him to lay on his back and float at the surface. Yixing senses Yifan do the same but their fingers stay entwined, not letting them drift too far apart from one another.

Yixing lays there, feeling the water gently wash over him and he can feel why Yifan brought him here. The only sound is of the waterfall hitting the pool. Even that’s muted by the water itself, filling Yixing’s head with a pleasant white noise that clears all his thoughts away. Yifan’s hand in his brings security, too, and Yixing can sense his inner-self letting go of his nerves just a little. Just enough that he can relax and melt into the water to become one with it. It’s peaceful perfection, it’s a moment that Yixing knows he’ll never forget in his lifetime.

He remains like that until even floating is tiring for his body. When he rights himself, Yifan follows, as if attuned to Yixing’s exhaustion and keeps him close to keep him afloat. Yixing, subdued and calmed by the water, wraps his arms around Yifan’s shoulder to rest there. He kicks his feet faintly to help Yifan, if only a little.

“You deserve to be happy,” Yifan whispers in his ear, just loud enough to heard. “Would you let me make you happy?”

Hesitating, Yixing looks up to meet Yifan’s gaze and nods slowly.

From there, it’s like honey. Smooth, golden, and best in the summer heat.

Yifan leans in just far enough for Yixing to tilt himself upwards, moulding their lips together in a short, gentle kiss.

The overly anxious and logical part of Yixing’s brain tells him this is wrong, that intimacy with anyone other than his mate defiles the sanctity of the bond they created. But another part of him, the one that moves his lips and heart in tandem, they show him that he’s never felt any intimacy like this with Huaijun before. Their lips hardly ever meet, they don’t exchange breaths as if they’re all they need to breathe in. It’s nothing like the delighted exhaustion that trickles down Yixing’s spine as his tongue feels the heat of Yifan’s mouth.

Only when their chests are heaving do they part, even then it’s only to swim to the edge of the pool for Yifan to lay Yixing down on the grass and caress Yixing’s lips with his own once more.

With each kiss they share, Yixing can feel pain’s poison lessen its grip on him. Yifan’s mouth has him hooked, has his fingers curling into Yifan’s hair and across his shoulders.

The mark on Yixing’s neck should ache at the tenderness of Yifan’s touch upon Huaijun’s scarred mark, but there’s nothing. It’s as if Yixing’s body has been craving this touch, this sense of desire and enchantment, to act as a reprieve from everything that plagues his mind and clings to the nerves through his spine. There is no bitter taste, it’s sugary and sweet, as if the moment is drenched in honey.

With the firm crook of his knee, Yifan entices Yixing’s legs to separate so their hips can rest against one another, and Yixing’s body feels a though its liquid with how it moulds against Yifan’s. Warmth straight from within surfaces on Yixing’s body, as if he’s breaking through the surface of water like Yifan had after diving into the pool. There’s a rhythm to their movements, to the patterns of breaths and the thundering of their beating hearts.

There is no apathy in Yixing’s head. There is no sensation of being cornered. There is no fear of being anchored down.

There is simply Yifan.

Yifan’s hands.

Yifan’s lips.

Yifan’s body.

Yifan’s care.

Yifan’s tenderness.

There is only the sudden rush of happiness of being cared for and appreciated breaking through a dam held up within Yixing. At the same moment a smile breaks out on Yixing’s lips, there’s a rush of tears from eyes. This is what he’s deserved from life, this is the happiness his grandmother had taught him as a child, this is running free from all obligations to simply live.

As if involuntarily, Yixing’s throat unleashes a long whine, as if begging for something unfamiliar and only then does Yifan’s mouth break from his. He kisses along Yixing’s cheek until he meets the edge of Yixing’s jaw where he hovers for a moment before sighing, breath stuttering as his hips twitch against Yixing’s.

There’s a redness that covers up from Yixing’s chest to the tip of his ears when he feels the firm line of Yifan’s cock pressed against the crevice on the left side of Yixing’s navel. For the first time in Yixing’s existence, his body reacts to Yifan’s arousal in kind. Rather than the despondent sense Yixing’s body has grown to the dull coupling with Huaijun, there’s the want to rut up against Yifan and chase the unfamiliar realms of pleasure Yixing’s never explored.

He knows he should stop, he knows it’s his duty to stop, but he doesn’t _want_ to. He wants one small thing to himself, he wants to feel the joy of love on his body, even if it’s with someone who isn’t his mate, even if it’s with someone he not yet at the point of considering loving. He simply wants to _feel_ it. Yixing wants to be craved and wants to crave in return.

With the bend of one of his own legs, hooking it slightly behind Yifan’s back and using it to guide Yifan down until more of his weight is on Yixing’s body. It places more power in the way Yifan’s hips twitch in evident want.

“Please,” Yixing whispers, almost begging, “make me happy.”

Yifan lets out a groan, half of joy and half of turmoil.

“You’re mated,” Yifan mutters, albeit reluctantly. “We shouldn’t.”

Yixing agrees with Yifan, but he just wants to keep reaching blindly for happiness.

There’s a moment, just as Yixing’s about to tell Yifan that he’s right, Yifan’s head drops down until his hair brushes against Yixing’s bare, wet shoulder, dripping water down onto it. He mumbles softly, “I really want to. But you’re mated and that makes everything so much harder. What if… What if something happens?”

“What could possibly happen?” Yixing’s voice trembles as he speaks, the numbing sadness creeping back into his being. “It’s impossible for me… I can’t bear your child, Yifan.”

“No, not that…” Yifan moves his face in line with Yixing’s. “I’m scared I’ll end up falling in love with you. I can’t have you; I can’t be yours nor can you be mine.”

Yixing blinks, as if blinded by Yifan’s admittance. He doesn’t know what else to do but hold tighter to Yifan’s body and will for him not to move away or fade away in a way Yixing’s happiness always seems to.

“Then, I can be scared with you.” The way Yixing feels himself looking up at Yifan, he knows his eyes are wide, rounded and framed with curved lashes. He removes his hand from Yifan’s hair and fumbles until their fingers entwine, bringing them to his lips and kissing them. “Maybe, instead of you making me happy, you could be my happiness. I want to try… I want to try happiness.”

Yifan hesitates. In fact, Yixing does, too, as if hearing the consequences of his own words for the first time. It’s a risk, he knows it. But he is genuine in his want to try. Hearing Sehun’s words, how they confirm the doubts within Yixing’s mind, he wonders if the goddess’ guidance is to bring him to stray from his life bound to duty. Maybe he wishes to be enraptured by care and love, two things he’s unknowingly craved for so long.

He has been taught the gentlest of feelings and emotions, ones which he has been missing despite never knowing that they even existed.

Yixing knows Yifan can give him what he wishes to have, what he craves and longs for. And when he looks up into Yifan’s eyes, to see what can be read there, Yixing’s breath halts itself in his throat. There’s an intensity that burns there, a desire Yixing has never seen himself be the subject of, and it overwhelms him. He wants to dive into it and let it cover him whole.

He wishes Yifan would grant him this chance for freedom.

It only takes a kiss from Yifan for Yixing to know that he’s been granted this tenderness.

Yifan kisses down Yixing’s neck, avoiding the ugly scar Huaijun’s mark’s left, lingering at his chest and Yixing holds the alpha closer to himself. He allows for his legs slip open, inviting Yifan to lay completely between them and he does, and the warmth of Yifan’s body above him feels like nothing Yixing’s ever experienced before. Their closeness is intimate and the way Yixing’s skin warms under the roaming of Yifan’s palms is almost overwhelming.

He’s touched all over, cherished and brought into the white-hot heat of arousal, legs and fingers trembling in unison as Yifan’s hands and mouth seek out every small dip and rise on the tundra of Yixing’s body.

The alpha is kind and gentle, drawing sighs from Yixing and taking his time to unravel the omega at every turn. Yixing’s pliant and overrun with unfamiliar sensations when Yifan enters him. He clings to the alpha as they move, their eyes open and locked into a gaze that burns straight through Yixing. His nails catch on Yifan’s skin, digging in, in hopes to anchor himself down to something.

Yixing does not lay still and silent, he gasps and squeezes his eyes up tightly, tempting his body closer to fulfilling pleasure. It’s so foreign and unknown to Yixing that his body seizes up, each muscle turning rigid in his body as it

“Relax, Yixing,” Yifan’s voice rasps, breath dampening Yixing’s lips with warmth with its closeness. “Look into my eyes and let yourself go.”

Taking up Yifan’s request, Yixing keeps his mind swallowed up by visions of Yifan’s face and the sincere expression of Yifan’s eyes, peace rolls through his body for pleasure to take over.

At the height of his climax, with his eyes screwed up shut and mouth hung open in silent ecstasy, Yixing feels reborn. Something washes through him and he knows he’s on the precipice of falling in love, he knows that the tighter he grips to Yifan’s bare body, the less he will ever want to let him go. The moment is beautiful, as Yifan reaches his peak, too. His mouth settles on the bare side of Yixing’s neck, but his eyes remain fixed on Yixing’s as Yixing peeks through his lashes. He smiles when Yifan pulls him in for a kiss on the mouth, using his tongue to caress at Yifan’s and relay every single emotion Yixing can never find the words to articulate.

Time passes slowly whilst they lay together in near-absolute silence, bodies pressed up close and Yifan’s mouth covering Yixing’s jaw back and forth. Yixing cannot stop himself from smiling as he toys with Yifan’s fingers, which lay on his stomach to keep Yixing close. He could sleep like that, with the world moving into the night and Yifan’s body heat to blanket him, with Yifan’s full attention on him.

“Your smile is so beautiful,” Yifan whispers, staring down at Yixing. “The dimple you have goes so deep and curls slightly around the edge of your mouth, it makes you look so happy.”

Whilst he doesn’t feel _happy,_ as such, so he cannot confirm what the image of his happiness looks like.

Yet, Yixing feels reborn, as if finally getting his _renaissance_.

 

_xvii._

 

They tell no one, not even Sehun. It’s kept between the two of them, between the kisses they share in the dark of the night and between Yifan’s arms where Yixing lays to sleep at night. Yixing suspects that speaking will spoil it, taking it from his grasp. Making it real means facing reality. The reality that Yixing is not free to choose who his heart appears to be guiding himself towards. Whenever Yifan leaves the den to make his sacrifices to the goddess, Yixing toys with the teeth held in the small pouch. Perhaps, if happiness stayed long enough, he could be the ones Yifan gifts them to.

Yifan always sleeps peacefully, eyes flickering whenever he dreams. Yixing can only suppose that this simmering in his stomach his body creates is the glowing excitement he always thought being mated would be. Yixing has never watched Huaijun fall asleep, dream, or rouse slowly.

For Yixing, it’s as if a new day has dawned each time he catches sight of Yifan, and that day only grows warmer and brighter at the feeling of Yifan’s skin against his. Tender and soft are the only to two words Yixing can pin to the moments they share, as if the only life Yixing has come to know has flowed straight from Yifan into him. It’s truly beautiful, tracing lines up Yifan’s body and forgetting the scarred ones on his own body.

Yet, like each day, the dawn and daylight cannot last forever.

For Yixing, it lasts barely a fortnight.

With rolling, rumbling thunder clouds, a chill embeds itself into Yixing’s chest and leaves him restless as he sits in the centre of the camp, looking northwards at the deep forest ahead. Yifan remains close, taking the place of the sun in surrounding Yixing with only the two of them alone. At the mere mention of a storm, Yifan ushered the bulk of the pack to head towards some caves on higher ground, lest the surrounding rivers and lakes swell and break with the water strain the storms will being.

Yixing is reluctant to hide away, sensing an affinity with the storm ahead, as if these particular rain drops are familiar to him, dousing him in everything that makes him cold, inside and out. It washes the scents from Yifan’s territory, cutting off the connection between Yixing from Yifan’s land. The tense edge of Yifan’s posture signifies to Yixing that the disconnect also extends to Yifan, leaving them blind in every sense to anything that will emerge out of the storm.

Yifan refuses to leave Yixing to work it out by himself, opting to stay himself at Yixing’s side and be the one to guide Yixing to where the others have sought safety.

“If anything happened to you now and I did nothing, I’d never be able to forgive myself,” Yifan confesses, lips pressed against the unmarked side of Yixing’s neck, as if claiming that for his own.

There’s a small declaration of love in there, maybe not wholly romantic but in the way an alpha should care for his pack. Still Yixing’s heart leaps for a moment in his chest and he turns his head, looking up at Yifan before speaking for himself.

“I don’t think anything could ever happen to me with you by my side.”

Whilst Yixing believes in his own words, and the smile that takes over Yifan’s mouth shows he believes Yixing too, Chang’e seemingly disagrees.

Barely half a day passes before the most dreaded image surges through the treeline and bile rises up from Yixing’s stomach to sit in his throat, begging to be retched from his body.

Huaijun, accompanied by the uneasy sights of his own and Yixing’s parents, drives a stake of fear straight through Yixing’s chest. There is no happiness in knowing his mate came to find him, there is only utter terror at being found in the affectionate embrace of another alpha. He separates himself from Yifan, who rushes to grasp at Yixing once again, a reflex of wanting to keep him from danger.

Yixing avoids Yifan’s touch and steps forward, already trembling with fear with his vision blurred by his tears.

There is no warm welcome, only an ugly kiss from Huaijun – which Yixing knows is entirely for Yifan’s benefit – and the detached silence of his family. Yixing knows that this is the end of his time with Yifan. The way Huaijun’s nails dig into the soft part of Yixing’s arm, threatening to break through the skin, forces a pained whimper and whine from Yixing.

Yifan approaches then, Yixing can sense it, obviously unwilling to bear witness to even this slight pain inflicted upon Yixing.

Closing his eyes, Yixing begs for Chang’e to tell him why; why his chance at happiness cannot stay, why he hadn’t known Yifan earlier, why he’s been shown the potential of love to have it shattered on the floor. He gets no response. He doesn’t expect to. The only conclusion to be drawn is that Yixing veered far from the path of what’s _right_ in the eyes of the goddess and that this is her hand guiding him back to what will bring balance.

Yet, as much as he is devoted to Chang’e, he does not want to go. He doesn’t want to be pushed back into pain only dulled because he had grown numb. The scars healed by being absent to his old life shall only be ripped open anew by returning.

“Come on. It’s time we went home,” Yixing’s mother croaks out, taking hold of Yixing’s other arm to begin to pull him back towards the northern tree-line.

Huaijun’s body is unmovable, though. He keeps Yixing still, too, and Yixing glances between his mate and Yifan. Whilst it isn’t completely visible, Yixing knows they are assessing one another and posturing somewhat at each other. Yixing pleads with Yifan, in his mind, to simply let him go. However, the longer Yixing looks at Yifan, the more certainty mounts in how Yifan holds himself. It’s clear Yifan is genuinely prepared to act to keep Yixing by his side and away from Huaijun. In theory, someone wanting to protect him and have him safe should imbue Yixing with some sense of worth.

Nevertheless, there’s only stark fear and the knowledge that he is not worth any pain that could be brought about by Yifan’s protectiveness.

Yixing knows he has already admitted defeat by immediately going back to Huaijun’s side, hoping to placate, rather than incite any kind of altercation. It’s as if the mere sight of his mate has the switch of complete obedience flicking back into place – and Yixing reckons he’s correct in doing so.

As, even with Yixing in his clutches, Huaijun taunts Yifan, telling him, “I shall be taking what’s mine.”

“What do you even want with him?” Yifan demands to know, voicing himself in a commanding tone that only an alpha can have. It triggers a shiver that rattles down Yixing’s body. Yifan’s voice has never sounded so serious to his ears before.

Huaijun laughs, dismissively, verging upon disrespectfully, “I want him because he is mine. Or, do you not see the mark I have left on him?”

“Why? If you and your pack do not love him?” With each word Yifan says, it aches more in Yixing’s chest. He doesn’t wish to hear them, just in case they plant the seeds of hope.

Especially if that hope is only to be dashed within the next instant by Huaijun.

“What does love have to do with possession? He belongs to us. He is the omega of my pack. We do not have to love him for him to belong to us.”

There’s a stillness for a moment before the rumbling of a growl, one which registers at an even lower pitch than the thunder that shakes through the forest. The way Yifan moves screams to Yixing that he his next action won’t be limited to words. Suppressing the sick feeling within himself, Yixing takes a single deep breath in and yanks free the arm Huaijun has trapped between his fingernails. Yixing does not care as much for the broken skin and blood as he does for halting a physical escalation.

He stands in front of Yifan, looking up at him, drawing Yifan’s complete attention upon himself.  

“Please, don’t do anything,” Yixing whispers, muted by his own fear of being overheard by Huaijun. “It won’t do any good.”

“You don’t have to go, Yixing. You can stay,” Yifan promises before confessing: _“I want you to stay here, with me.”_

“I can’t… It’s not worth the risk to do this. I don’t want to beg, so please don’t make me.”

“You don’t think your happiness is worth this?”

“Worth you being hurt, _or killed,_ and leaving your pack vulnerable? Leaving the people you already love and care about open to pain and hurt for someone you may never fall in love with? My happiness is not worth risking your own or that of the people you love.” Yixing doesn’t even stop himself from crying, letting the droplets of rain that fall wash them away, much like the blood emerging from his arm. “Don’t risk anything at all for me. Nobody should ever have to do that for me.”

Yixing can see the words sinking into Yifan, revealing the truth of Yixing’s worthlessness in this situation, because no matter how much Yixing could mean, the potential does not compete with what is certain.

“I can’t let you go with him.”

“You have to, Yifan, for the sake of the people you love.” Yixing murmurs, wanting to do nothing else other than kiss Yifan. If this is to be their goodbye, he wants to savour it on his lips and in his heart. 

“But, I–”

Yixing steps back from Yifan, not thinking he can bear to hear the words he knows are coming. They’d do too much damage. They would make him want to stay, to run and hide to be with Yifan forever. But, he knows it’s not  _right._ It isn’t his path. This is not his renaissance moment, it’s the tug that pulls him below the surface and drowns him. This is his death, his moment of ending. Yifan lets him go, too shocked by Yixing’s withdrawal to react fast enough.

Huaijun, smiling at the visual acknowledgement of Yifan’s defeat, grabs Yixing back then, pinning him to his side. Yifan stands, shoulders bowed slightly, and expression clouded by a thousand emotions. In that moment, Huaijun’s father signals for them to leave and they take the opportunity of Yifan’s desolation to drag Yixing northwards.

Without moving his eyes from Yifan for a moment until he’s entirely obscured from view, Yixing’s heart breaks all on its own in his chest. He lets his mate pull him adrift from happiness, taking him far from the harbour in which he would have wanted to be moored, overwhelmed by the feeling that Huaijun’s hands are the guiding ones of Chang’e.

The rain pours as they walk in tense silence until Yixing’s feet hurt, taking him through land unknown until they pass into the rain-drenched soils of their territory.

It is not a homecoming. There is no fanfare or exclamations, it’s solemn and dire in every sense. Yixing wishes for the earth to consume him whole when he is released, as if dumped, by the edge of the pack’s camp. Much like the first time it happened, Yixing’s throat clenches over with angst at the motion of being discarded. Only, this time Yixing knows of the beautiful hand care caresses with.

Days pass, ignored and solitary, drenched through the top layers of his clothes until he shivers, unwilling to tread into the pack camp. He feels tethered to the tree he was left by, unwelcome in any of the dens, if the disgusted glances of his pack and the avoidance of his mate are anything to deduce from.

The cut from his arm bleeds almost endlessly, washed only by the rain and water from the springs when Yixing dares to eat and drink in the night.

He is not welcomed into his own den by Huaijun for many nights, until the next full moon bloats in the sky with its light and complete display of the greyish rabbit on its face. When he is, he’s stripped off bare and stared at. He knows that Huaijun’s worked out the intimacy between Yixing and Yifan, and Yixing waits for him to do something. Anything.

Huaijun only speaks when the cold of this apparently endless storm bites at Yixing’s lips, toes, and fingers and turns them to a purpling shade of blue.

“I bet you were a disappointment to him, just like you are to me,” Huaijun’s words strike him like a fist, but Yixing doesn’t recoil. He retreats into himself. “It’s no wonder why he let you go so easily. You aren’t worth the trouble.”

Yixing wants to ask why Huaijun even went to find him if he supposedly is not worth it, but he keeps his question bitten back on his tongue. He knows it probably has nothing to do with Yixing himself. It would be the tyranny of Huaijun’s pride and greed to want to possess everything he can. And, he’s always been told that Yixing is his to have.

Whilst Yixing may mean nothing to Huaijun himself, someone else having even Huaijun’s most meaningless of possessions would be more than can handle. He is covetous, Yixing knows as much.

“You’ve been tainted,” Huaijun sneers. “Made impure by someone who is not your mate and I refuse to stoop so low as to have you after this.”

A voice in the back of Yixing’s mind, sounding very much like Sehun, sneers at the idea of Yixing being hurt by the idea of Huaijun refusing him sex. But, Yixing knows his punishment is the exposure of his vulnerability and the embarrassment of his body.

He’s pushed out of the den, naked and quivering in the cold, and prohibited from taking the form of his wolf. Defenceless from the eyes and hands of his pack. He hides himself away, returning back to the tree from where his invisible tether lies.

 

_xviii._

 

Sickness is to be expected when left defenceless to the grips of a storm, but Yixing’s sickness sets in when the clouds have cleared, and his pack is going about their usual business. Yixing observes from a distance, bound to where he can watch, and the loneliness sets in there. Even before, Yixing was at least permitted to be amongst his pack, to be a wallflower from within.

It’s an attack on his sanity, deprived from all social interaction he and his inner wolf need to nurture health within themselves.

He supposes his sickness is from where the cut on his arm has grown inflamed and yellowed, untreated by anyone and un-licked by the healing tongue of his wolf. He isn’t sure if that explains the nausea, the frequent vomiting and swelling of parts of his body, especially his stomach. He doesn’t know what much to do when the fever sets in, weakening his already frail body, and he thinks back to when he was a child. Back to his punishment he received from the omega pack he was in.

At least he knew when that would end. He has no idea when this punishment will be completed, if it ever will.

As such, he cannot cry out for help or assistance to sustain himself. He can hardly go to drink water in the dead of night without his knees weakening beneath him. It does not help that in the silence of nightfall his mind tells him that in the faraway distance, there are people crying out for him; two longing for a brother and the other rife with heartbreak. He knows it’s a fabrication from his own head – or maybe he hopes that it is, given that his wolf is not granted the agency to call back to them.

It happens during the day, though, with witnesses to observe him cry out in pain when he’s grown too weak to fight it.

The nausea comes in relentless waves, the bouts lasting ten minutes before subsiding to nothing, only to return again. And, then even worse than before. There’s a feverish sweat that drenches his body, all over in a layer that dribbles across his skin. His pack watch on as blood forms between his legs, his stomach tearing a pain through his body like he has never felt before. He does not know what it is, he wishes to cry out for anyone but all the people who would ever do a thing for him are too distant; either dead or so many leagues away that Yixing’s human voice could never carry a message to them. He does not know what this bleeding sickness is. He simply knows that it’s what he deserves, for how he had strayed from what had been granted to him by Chang’e.

He finally learns that not every death ends in rebirth, sometimes they’re simply the end. Inky and black. Desolate and cold. He has come to realise the extent of his goddess' cruelty in the pain she inflicts. He is what balances out the renaissance of both good and evil. Yixing’s place in the world is to be the continual act of death that never renews. The death that is not reincarnated.

And Yixing stares at the blood spilling from his body, hoping this will be it, that this will be his own death to end it all. Still, he does his hopes high. Chang’e may never grant him the joy of death’s freedom. It may never end.

**Author's Note:**

> Just for some clarification:  
> In the ending, Yixing is having a miscarriage from a baby he and Yifan made. In this plot, it is not Yixing who is infertile but his mate (note, none of the others Huaijun beds get pregnant).
> 
>  
> 
> Note: A fanart was made for this fic by an absolute cutie, which can be found _[here!](https://twitter.com/Saseukey_/status/1121102443914260480?s=20)_
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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